Life seen from eyes none other than my own

graffiti!

2011-03-03T02:37:00.000-05:00


	More!

Click teh link : YAY!

template test

2010-10-31T11:07:00.001-04:00


	YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE. YOUR TEXT GOES HERE.

Text Here
I FIXED IT
YEAH
I'M COOL

*goes back and edits previous posts to make them work*

YARRRGG

2010-10-31T11:06:00.000-04:00

So the little fairy thing that i used as a blog intro thingy isn't working anymore, and that makes me sadface
it used to look like this:

Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear

2010-10-31T00:37:00.022-04:00


	Restoring legitimacy to public discourse one outlandish and satirical gathering at a time.

So I attended the Rally to restore sanity/fear, and it was pretty fantastic.

There was a focus at certain points to make sure people understood that it wasn't trying to make fun of any belief or of people with faith in something, it was one to bring attention to the mindless sensationalism and misinformation that have become the center of our public political forums.

There was a lot of wonderful outlandishness alongside serious political discussi

on regarding the demonization of our fellow Americans, how the media and 24-hour news cycle is driving us apart and impeding our ability to solve our problems by massively polarizing us and brainwashing the public.

Holding a more "serious" rally with less hilarity would cause just more polarization, especially since those who follow the misinformation and propaganda would only treat it as mental floss (in one ear and out the other). Since we weren't trying to establish any sort of party platform, fight for or against any particular political idea, I believe this rally brought people together in a way that a more politicized rally could never have done.

lulz @ Thomas Paine

2010-07-07T23:28:00.003-04:00


	He's a silly goose. I love Thomas Paine :)

So, I'm currently reading The Age of Reason and I was thoroughly enjoying Paine's thoughts on theology and the role science has to play in that, and then comes along a seemingly random tangent on dead languages.

Apparantly, Thomas Paine has a personal vendetta against the study of dead language, because he spent a great deal of effort into explaining why studying dead languages was utterly pointless.

He went from talking about the study of science being the true theology to talking about how the study on languages is not only pointless but detrimental to expanding scientific study.

While this is probably a point I disagree with him on, I found it fantastically amusing. I highly advise that you check it out.

Cherry Blossoms and Reckless Abandon

2010-04-12T04:20:00.006-04:00


	Hooray for ACTUALLY LIVING LIFE ^_^ A day with friends, flowers, wanderlust and childlike reckless abandon .

So yesterday evening, after a day of working on the chemistry problem set at Five Guys ( after a while we started to get off track and saw another one of our friends from school there, and thus ensued the continuation of a lot of off topic conversation and hugging competition, and well as another game where all my friends picked me up[since I'm so light]. Also I annoyed everyone with my continual "I LOVE THIS SONG" outbursts every time a song came up on the classic rock station that was playing), three of my friends and I took a trip down to Washington DC to take a walk near the cherry blossoms.

And, well, a number of things happened today.
I learned how to properly kick/throw (sort of)
I climbed a tree (well, 2 trees) for the first time in my life (Actually a serious accomplishment)
Ran/pranced through a (miniature) field of flowers
With good company, destroyed hoards of dandelions
Shared many hugs
Got a ton of sunshine and fresh air
Forgot about all my other troubles and lived in the moment
Poked my friend Kai with a stick
Whipped him with a stick with branches and leaves that I found on the ground (I swear I wasn't abusing him! I was kidding around!)
Shared a lot of random stories with Emily
Had lots of hugs and cuddles with Jessica <3
Made a lot of references to particular SNL skits
And a ton more that I can't possibly begin to describe~

After we got back to town, we went to a buffet and shared more stories and had tons of fun.

Honestly, today was the first day in a long time that I felt really happy. NEITHER of my parents nagged/yelled at me (not even my drama queen of a mother) , and were in fact really really nice.

I actually got (some) work done

I had a lot of fun with my friends and actually just getting high on life.

It felt so great to just for the first time in a while live for the sake of living, and enjoying everything (even running away from mobs of gnats)

I feel like this, today, is what my entire childhood/life-before-now should have felt like, as opposed to the odd venomous tale that it was. And in fact, today, I did feel like a child.

A really big thanks/shout-out to my friends for making this otherwise boring day THE BEST DAY EVER ^_^

~ ♫♫ All you need is love ♫♫ ~

Spring Break Homework...

2010-04-05T23:04:00.001-04:00


	The curse of procrastination!

I don't feel like doing homework, I feel like writing. The responsible thing to do would be to choose homework. But as soon as I do that, I just end up procrastinating and getting nothing done at all...

Happy Pi Day!

2010-03-14T16:59:00.002-04:00


	Happy Pi Day // Happy Birthday Albert Einstein!

New Graffiti :D

2010-02-11T21:39:00.002-05:00


	Check out this jaunt :D ctrl and + to enlarge page (thereby enlarging the image) that way you can see more details

Win

2009-12-08T02:32:00.003-05:00


	Google does it again :) (sorry i missed the sesame street pics - i've been so busy with school) simply put - popeye the sailor man wins for getting kids like me to eat spinach as a youngin'

College Apps

2009-10-04T15:39:00.004-04:00


	Attempting to prove to an institution your potential growth as an intellectual and human being. Sounds like fun, eh?

Sounds rather arbitrary, no? No one can seriously look that deep into your soul. Unless of course their a creepy teddy bear. **Shivers**
Because apparently a single (or even 2-3) essay(s) is/are supposed to represent you as a human being.

So yeah, Wish me luck!

~S(eye)R : The Proffesor (nickname I've received within one of my friend circles)

PS - after my apps are done, look forward to a post regarding an over-analysis of tetris.

The last 4 days....

2009-08-03T18:04:00.005-04:00


	Museums, mysterious rashes, spinal taps, and spontaneously combusting kitchen glassware(or as my mom says, "spontaneous crumbilation")... wtf is up for tomorrow...

So on Friday after my dad was picking me up from the Children's Hospital in DC (I'm working there for the summer), we realized we had close to 4 hours to kill before picking mom up from the greyhound station. So we were walking around and chilled at the mall and sat on the steps of the west building of the national gallery of art, and decided to go to a museum, and all the nearby museums were closed apart from the Natural History Museum(though my dad and I thoroughly enjoyed looking at the scale model of the Solar System outside of the National Air and Space Museum). Anyway, my toes started itching, but i thought it was just seaonal allergies, and or my long socks with unnecassary buttons on the sides, along with my realy thin and overly used plaid shoes, possibly reacting to the really stoney and sandy pathways. Anyway,Dad learned a lot during this walk, and I showed of my mad brain skillz and profuse knowledge of a wide variety of random topics, blah blah.

We then journey's to potbelly's, and rested there. I forgot to mention I had a slight fever[and i REALLY mean slight, like, maybe 99-99.5] , sore throat, and a tiny bit of trouble breathing. although, at the time I thought It was just seasonal allergies supplemented by an oncoming cold (I wasn't sneezing or coughing, so I didn't believe I was putting anyone in immediate danger (later on i'll find out that I wasn't contagious at all, so no need to call occupational health on all the employees at Children's National Medical Center, baha). Also, I had een having on/off sore throat for about a month. I was tired, so we rested and chilled at potelly's till about nine after leaving the museum at around 7:30[when it closes during the summer], and then we started walking back to the car (it was getting dark). We drove around DC, looked at the Georgetown area, and then went to pick mom off from the greyhound station at around 10:30. Then we drove home and finally got there at around 12 something, i went to bed, dismissing the itching on my feet, and went to sleep.

Day 2:
So on Saturday, I wake up and I was like "woah what an odd ridiculously profuse and concentrated amount of rindiculous small spots on my feet. I was all "wtf" but I wasn't spazzing yet. I took a shower, trying not to itch my mysterious rash on mah poor adorable feet. I got ressed, came dowstairs, and my mom started doing that thing that she does where she goes into doctor mode and attempts to diagnose me, and none of my symptoms were matching up to anything probable. My mom put some cortizone on it and went shopping. When she got home around 7 and after watching a breif movie with my parents, I was like "Hey mom, look, my rash spread up to my knees!" (I was unusually excited. My life is pretty boring and traumatizing, so anything intresting that doesn't involve family related drama is a Godsend). My mom was like"Hmm... let's take you to the ER since your rash didn't stop spreading after the cortizone" and my dad was like "I suggested we take her this morning!" and proceeded to drive us there.

So we got to the hospital emergency room around 9-9:30, and the doctor starts asking me all the same questions my mom asked me in the morning, and does a bunch of blood tests to try and rule stuff out, and they still weren't entirely sure of the final diagnosis. But I seemed fine, so the doctor suggested a follow up with my pediatrician to see wtfex up with my rash. He told my mom to call if anything changed within the next couple days. (He suspected that I have either HSP or something else viral, possibly rocky mountain spotted fever, but HSP usually only happens to people age 13 and under, not 17 year olds, and Rocky mountain spotted fever usually happens to people in my area who actually gets outdoors, and my symptoms started before our outing to the museum. Pretty obscure stuff, my home skilletz)

Day 3
So the next day(Sunday) I get up, and i'm a lot sicker, and some other symtopms show up, and my fever is worse, making my mom think I may be having asymptomatic viral meningitis , and so we go to the ER (I was so tired and keeling over it was hard for me). Anyway, The triage nurse was giving my mom crap because I wasn't having typical symptoms of meningitis, and said that If i had meningitis i would be dead by now, and he was all "What are the symptoms of meningtis ma'am", totally undermineing her authority as a physician, she got really pissed off. And there was blah blah blah. So they did another urine test and another blood test, and my tests were only slightly different than the day before (lower WBC[white blood cell count], which was 3400 the day before but then was 3300, lower blood platelets, and stuff, signs of something viral). Anyway, after those tests they were all like, "Ok, if we're going to try to rule out meningitis with a Spinal Tap we might as well give her the antibiotics for it" so they gave me the IV for the meningitis medication. Then they gave me the Spinal Tap. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be. It was all weird because the doctor was having trouble finding the right lumbar to puncture, and his squishing and prodding the area around my spine was actually more discomforting than the Spinal Tap itself. They were planning on getting the tap from me sitting up but they couldn't, so I had to be on my side during the whole process. Did I mention They made me sit in the fetal position for this entire process (the squishing, the anesthetic, and the tap)?

So they finally find the spot stick a needle into my spine, a thin one (assumed form the feeling, I didn't actually see the needle), and It was a numbing agent, which only hurt a little bit. After that i actually didn't feel much pain at all, even during the spinal tap. (Although, once the numbing agent wore off, my back hurt a lot, and actually still hurts a lot as I'm writing this). Anyway, they did more blood tests as a baseline for my later follow-ups, and also test the CSF (cerebrospinal fluid) for anything. So, good news was I didn't have meningitis. The only thing they couldn't rule out was Rocky-Mountain-Spotted-Fever. They put me on the antibiotic for that to be on the safe side, and now i have a follow-up with my pediatrician on wednesday (instead of today).

Day 4(today):
So now my back is in pain, and in order to increase circulation to my brain and remake the cerebrospinal fluid, I need to sleep flat for a few days, meaning on my back and without a pillow. And eat lots of yogurt(ewww!) and drink lots of fluid. So anyway, My back hurts, and stuff, and I have trouble walking quickily or unning downstairs without being in a lot of pain, but you'll never beleive what happened at lunch today after I took a shower and my mom watched Mr. Bean's Holiday.

Yah, so leik, I was eating lunch, and my mom asked if i wanted some baby carrots, and I was like "HECK YAH THAT'S MY FAVE VEGETABLE MAMA".
So she got the container out of the fridge and was pouring the carrots into a bowl. There was a glass (the kinda i use to drink milk out of). So my mom's hand accidently touched the glass and it went all "CRASH". Mind you, it didn't crash onto the floor, it just kinda exploded. Like, spontaneous combustion. My current theory is that when my mom was cooking a hlaf an hour earlier, the glass was still right next to the stove. So that time she was cooking before exposed the glass to heat for a steady and long period of time, So much that the molecular integrity of the glass was jeopardized. So even after having cooled down for a half hour, the structural integrity was so affected that that slight touch sent peices of glass falling everywhere (spontaneous "Crumbling" as my mom says, as the glass sort of did crumble like a cookie in milk, except a lot fast and it was "pkshhsa"[my rendition of the crash sound]).

I have no intention of testing my theory, due to the cost and risk involved and my lack of passion for dealing with shards of broken glass. Although if anyone else would like to test my theory, feel free to do so.

Anyway, after starting the RMSF antibiotics, My symptoms are subsiding and my rash is fading, So i assume i actually did have Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.
So seriously, this years serious medical issue is an obscure (to someone with m indoor-centered behaviors) disease. So yeah. I mean, It's not like i wasn't expecting SOMETHING. Around late sring till mid summer is prime time each year for me to have some ridiculous medical problem. And the funny thing is that they're all completely unrealted problems. In the past I've had Bronchitis, Gastroenteritis (twice), suspected cyst(that turned out to be my first ovulation, which was unexpectedly so painful I needed the same painkillers they give to heart bypass patients), asthma attacks, allergic reactions, and even skin condition one fall actually. At least one issue occurs at an almost annual rate since the age of 5, and I even had some stuff before (tear duct surgery, jondice right after birth, atopic dermatitis). So yeah, I would be surprised if something DIDN'T happen this year.

So, it's been really rough but exciting.

Anyone wanna place a wager on tomorrow's intresting event? Snowball in a North American August? A mob of cats attacking my door? Swine Flu?

bahahaha

PS- For Those of you not aware of this yet, I'm moving back to Maryland at the end of august. Kthnxbai.

25 Years of Tetris: From Russia With Fun!

2009-06-06T16:28:00.003-04:00


	Many people know this as my favorite puzzle game, one that I am hopelessly addicted to. :) tetris for all!

25 Years of Tetris: From Russia With Fun!

Google's image celebrating this momentous day
http://www.google.com/logos/tetris09.gi f

User User

2009-05-30T23:20:00.003-04:00


	I read this poem at the last Fine Line's Coffeehouse - again, my amateur performance made it better than it in on paper... Blog post template by strawberryheavens.com

Nail-gun Nail-gun
Fingers to the bone
Ashes to Ashes
Fire cold as stone
--

My fireplace burned
With the hides of my deceased human pets
Aglow alongside the coals in the fire

Blood Red Blood Red
The colors on my wall
Flicker-Brown Flicker Brown
Blood of those pets was all
--

I forgot to wash the paintbrushes today
The blood was crusting brown
Some fresh coats were needed, to make this place look pretty

Livestock Livestock
Pets scream lovely hymns
Hand cuff Hand cuff
Scars on all their limbs
--

The dungeon walls rang with the roaring call of these toys
I took the bone white bone powder and poured it into the batter
Which may have been my last

People-cake People-cake
Down the hallway I roam
Count one….
Count one….
Missing from the cell

GET OFF
WHAT THE—
LET GO OF ME!
*COUGH*

“my pets…”
Dies

The moral of the story children – don’t use people for your own selfish needs! It’s just not nice and they may possibly choke you to death.

Yellow Barn + Fine Lines' Release Party!

2009-05-25T04:07:00.002-04:00


	So, What exactly IS going on in my personal artistic side career? (still a good 10 years before i become a doctor)

w00t!
so it was really cool to see my collage painting in an exhibition (my first one!!)
Yellow barn was great, and i got a 35 dollar gift certificate to plaza (place to buy art supplies)
I still have to post that peice on DA >D

it was really exciting, some of my other friends got in,
Alex Steinbarth was there , his still life of the bottles/table looked great :D

in other news, on the 29th, Fine Lines will be having their Coffeehouse/Magazine Release Party
Since i'm moving this summer it will be my last one :(
As usual i will be preforming some amateur spoken word/poetry
AND
i'll get to buy some copies of the magazine... WHICH HAS AT LEAST ONE OF MY PEICES! :heart:
i know "Looking Up" got in (check gallery if you don't know what that is)

Pretty exciting stuff :)
^_^
-dances like a monkey-

Dramatic Make up grafiti

2009-05-03T00:18:00.002-04:00


	Dramatic make-up grafiti - enjoy

Dramatic Make up

2009-04-14T20:36:00.003-04:00


	The End of Television?

So I'm watching a rerun of Stephen Colbert, and he's talking about how Bill Gates is actually paying people to put in positive messages.

Reminding me of:

But i notice less and less people watching TV and less and less often

My personal message to TV stations: STOP PUTTING CRAP ON TV FOR THE SAKE OF RATINGS. I mean, yeah, occasionally we get something good. but as soon as we get the good stuff you take it away. These reality shows? They're getting really repetitive and dumber by the day. Where did all the good cartoons and shows go? Aeon Flux? Thundercats? Ren and Stimpy? Space Ghost coast to coast? Bill Nye? Maybe if you stopped putting $hiznit on our screens like those dumb reality shows and all those shows starring charachters with such cookie cutter personalities and recycled plots, we'd watch more often.

2009-04-11T14:34:00.003-04:00


	One of my favorite quotes from Gattaca : ‘The impossible happened. It was the one moment in our lives that my brother was not as strong as he believed, and I was not as weak.’ : template taken from strawberryheavens.com

more graffiti

2009-04-05T00:09:00.001-04:00

graffiti!

2009-03-28T19:29:00.000-04:00

text here

Song of Solomon - Toni Morrison

2009-03-07T22:07:00.006-05:00

There is so much about this book I'm still figuring out, but indeed it is an EXCELLENT read.
I don't want to give any spoilers, but if i do I'll be sure to give a warning

Although a lot of these questions i have gone over before in my head (it's because my brain goes over 9000 miles a minute and never stops) , reading the book made me revisit a lot of these question, about how i define my own identity in the context of nationality and race. and although my identity in these contexts may seem simple to others how i define myself and wish myself to be seen in is much more ambiguous due to the nature of my upbringing, that i was not raised surrounded by people of the same race, apart from my parents. And how i never identified people by race, because in doing so i would make an outsider out of myself, because i grew up in North Carolina and Virginia for my schooling days up until middle school, and when it wasn't until i moved into a VERY VERY diverse town in Maryland that i met people in the US who weren't family/family friends that were of the same ancestral heritage.
It took me until about last year when i visited Bangladesh and read "The Woman Warrior" to fully understand how stereotypes of people are reinforced by parents (my parents speak about stereotypes and more often than not believe them to my dismay , though my life experiences had solidified that stereotypes are wrong by the time i noticed my parents racial conceptions) and by racial isolation. I was always around people of different races, and never had the luxury of saying "these people are different than my people because..." because i had never had to define myself in the context of race. I'm not even sure i completely/clearly understood that people of different races had different cultural backgrounds or different perspectives until a certain age (which i cannot pinpoint, but it was sometime in late elementary school) . i saw it the same way as someone being short or tall, of having different hair color. i mean , i kind of felt some of the effects of not being able to share a part of my culture with people who wouldn't understand them. when an Indian girl came to my school , i was kind excited in 2nd grade because the word in Hindi for "water" was the same as the Bengali word, which became our password. (later on i learned that she was really bossy , and there was a friendship battle between her and some of the other girls in my school, who couldn't get along with her, probably because she was bossy... . recess wasn't great after that battle started, because i had to pick sides a lot, and i wasn't able to form a single, strong relationship with anyone. when she went on vacation to India and missed school for a month it got rid of some drama and i was able to hang out with people). i think in first grade an Indian girl moved to my neighborhood, but that friendship came to an abrupt end when she pushed me into a swimming pool)

but like, it didn't really get through my head. (same thing could of said of gender differences in identity , until 3rd grade, when i discovered that girls and boys could have "crushes" on eachother ;) , which kinda ended up in me having both feminine and masculine personality traits, and being straight, this makes my future love life difficult, because guys feel threatened by my masculinity, and i always end up in "friend zone" , which is fine now, because I'm not allowed to date anyway, and guys make better friends than girls :/ . like, my personality in intrinsically odd, and i was really quiet in elementary school , so most girls wouldn't hang out with me because i was weird and most guys wouldn't hang out with me because i was a girl, so i hung out with the few people who didn't give a damn, which was a mix of guys and girls. [as i got older, this became less of an issue once older] . but this has nothing to do with song of Solomon, as in this book, gender roles mostly defined, the way they were in the time/place setting that the book was set in -- but that's a tangent, and I'll stop the tangent now)

so my sense of ideneity is purely based on behavior, not of race (or other arbitrary factors). Even cultural heritage blended into the background as i realized my Bengali heritage as a factor in my love of music and movies was just as strong, if not less than my settings, and this was only because they brought home Hindi movies and spoke Bengali in the home. But those were matched by my watching movies in English, and my interaction with classmates in the English language. (i wasn't properly able to communicate in either language fully till about 2nd/3rd grade. i could understand other people, but i had a hard time getting people to understand me, as i spoke a combination of Bangla and English, which i call "banglish", and it took me a while to separate the words i knew into 2 different categories, and learn which to say when.

The book talks about **SPOILER** : the following has references to some stuff in the book. i try not to go into detail but no promises will be made. this is my blog -- i do what i want plz.

...

...

...

...

or at least implies that to the community in point, in this case, the black community, their perspective on other races (in this time period, in this context of what we assume is Detroit during the 60's) , and in particular, the white race, which is regarded as unnatural, (for the story line. And The Woman Warrior by Maxine Kingston, whose character were Chinese immigrants who saw those of other ethnic identities as ghosts, and not of the same type of people. And i have observed first hand this, when visiting family members in Bangladesh, that very plainly, in conversation, will ask "What kind of nationality immigrant is your favorite" and will ask what RACE my friends are (out of curiosity mostly likely though, because in Bangladesh everyone is, well, Bengali)
But it just seemed so odd to me, that anyone would CARE what race my friends were.
And apparently it's an important factor in marriage too, to them. Like, i don't give a shizz, as long as they're my type, and a good person, and we share similar beliefs and interests. race and national origin is NOT running through my mind when it comes to guys :/
when i told them that, they were like "Bu what language will you speak!"
i really wanted to rant at them saying that if they hadn't noticed, my English is MUCH better than my Bengali (though my typing while blogging may say otherwise, due it it's lack of revision and sloppy keystrokes)
Song of Solomon presents white people as distant oppressors, who generally take time out of their foreign lives to make sure that they have asserted their superiority. Now, today this is untrue, but in the context of 1960's Detroit, no one will deny that racial division was a cause for major confrontation (despite it's silliness). A lot of kids from my generation (maybe not most, but a heck of a lot) have my perspective on race, and don't look at it when considering friendships and relationships.

***

End of (possible) spoiler

so i leave you with these thoughts, and some possible ponders
how does racial identity and ethnicity play into someone's idea of their identity?
Does being in a culturally diverse area dissolve barriers between races?
What are some other personal insights given by song of Solomon?
Why are so many people (even today) still ethnocentric?(my friends who share my view of race may disagree on this point, but dears we live in a special and culturally rich town. In previous places I've lived, although there wasn't outright racism for the most part, ethnocentric and racial overtones did exist)
And any other random crap you'd like to talk about
:P

Progression Into Insanity

2009-02-20T21:45:00.002-05:00

Sleep
sleep is a funny thing
Isn't it
Going Comatose for a bit
"Hallucinating" vividly
and then forgetting all about it
But sometimes, you remember
and even when you don't remember the dream,
right after you wake up,
you remember how it felt
And every time you sleep you fall into this dream
This parallel universe
and every time you phase in
It's harder to phase out
Every time you wake up
and every time you fall asleep
It's a little but different
And you leave a little bit behind
One night you see the shadows and the monsters
and the next night you see theri faces
and then you feel their webbed, paper cutting claws caging your brain
and they don't come every night
but when they do,
It's absolutley terrifying
and they want to keep you fom going to the dream world
And after a while you stop telling yourself they don't exist
And begin telling yourself they cant really hurt you
That they enjoy,
plainly
to taunt you

And it's arduous work, falling asleep
and a harder time waking up
Because every time you dream you're a little more real
And every time you wake up you're a little more dead
(Because you know what you're missing out on)
And one day you'll sit up in your bed
And realize you don't belong to your body
or even your mind
as if they are separate from you
You try to make a ffist
but it's not yours
and every movement of light and shadow
Every unexpected noise
The monsters are there
The hellish visions confuse you
What's real and what isn't
Which reality is the dream
But all you want to do is escape to these vivid worlds
as outlandish and crazy and illogical as they are
and to be asleep
Because in your dreams
You're Alive
So much more
Alive
Than you've ever been
Awake

(Disclaimer - this piece was designed to be experienced by preformance, meaning, hearing someone (me) speak it. It's not very good for analyzing. just entertaining in speech . And for those of you that missed my on mic preformance, you missed the good one. i know i gave a second one in the hallway for my hoes who missed it (jk jk, ily), it wasn't nearly as good as the first one.
no more bathroom breaks for you >.<)

My Day

2009-02-08T01:20:00.001-05:00

Tiring.
school is madness

ACT exam in the morning
Bingo with Senior citizens in the afternoon
and watching Slumdog millionare in the evening

*dies*

finals

2009-01-30T01:38:00.001-05:00

took them last week
idk what i got
so stressed
._.

not well

2008-12-11T23:35:00.004-05:00

my parents are always making me feel fat/dumb/ugly/stupid
idk i think they beleive in "negative reinforcement"
but refuse to practice positive reinforcement.
>.<>.< I don't get good grades because my parents want me too. i stopped that in elm school. i'm never gonna succeed at something if i'm only doing it for someone else, with no joy myself. when i was 10 i decided i was gonna get good grades for me. i was gonna tryy my best and be ok with that. and since then i've been getting straight A's. not for my parents, for me. And since my classes used to be really easy, i deserved all A's, just because middle school and 9th grde were so easy. Now in 11th grade things really are HARD and if i get B's in a couple classes i'd be ok with that, because i effing tried my hardest. but my parents won't accept the fact that these classes are hard and just think i'm using it as an excuse. My teachers respect me 10 times more than my parents do. gah. and i just feel like crap cuz my mom/dad keeps telling me what a useless piece of crap i am.

>.<
i mean, they tell me i'm great, like, 2-3 times a year, an dthey tell me i suck the rest of the year. wtf.

Decision '08 Presidential Results

2008-11-04T17:19:00.001-05:00

Movie! MYP project

2008-10-03T01:36:00.002-04:00

This was my MYP personal project submission. Because i joined The middle years program as a 10th grader and didn't really go through the full five year program (i was only in it for a year) i decided to do the project about the program. In addition, it was meant to be under "Community and Service" (with a hint of Homo Faber/Human Ingenuity) because it was supposed to be informational and educational and meant to help people decide whether or not they want to join or stay in MYP. I think that this is an important decision because it will affect their lives and school severely for at least 1(or 2) years of their lives (freshman and sophomore year). 5 years if they join it at the beginning of middle school. This video specifically has to do with the MYP at Richard Montgomery high school. The MYP is an International program so i hope it helps people in places other than where i live. I did not list the names of the people in the video because that was a part of the release form (that i would not put up their names publicly on the internet) The music is copyrighted to their respective bands (please don't sue me - i'm a friggin broke teenager. Be assured that this music was not downloaded illegally and was bought in CD form. ^_^) I didn't make money off of the songs so i view me using them as OK... some kids were afraid to show up on camera for various reason.( your opinion is missed ) In addition, a lot of kids were afraid of GETTING INTO TROUBLE for voicing their opinions. seriously. like, they were afraid that the people grading this would see them differently. which is understandable but such a loss to the documentation process... XD I highly doubt the founding fathers would be pleased with such withdrawal of people using their right to free speech, haha. The end of the video has some fun stuff so watch through it. and there is also a disclaimer somewhere near the very end. HUGE THANKS to everyone who appeared in the video!

sometimes.... (emo rant, please, for the love of all that is holy, ignore this post)

2008-09-22T16:16:00.003-04:00

sometimes i realize how much my parents are messed up, and how it's rubbed off on me

i've come to the realization that i'll never be happy unless i can get away from my parents. they are so emotionally dependent on my, that i can't stand it, and i'm sick of acting like their emotional cushion for all their worries and problems.

like, it's impossible for me to be happy with myself when they're around, because their presence reminds me of eberything that's wrong with me and everything that i'm afraid of becoming.
in other news, i think i've forgotten how to love. not that corny falling in love crap, but i mean like, love. i don't think i love my parents anymore. i respect, appreciate, and care for them, but i don't think i love them. i mean, i throw the word love around a lot as a colloquial thing, but seldom does it express that ultimate state of being of unconditional love.
i partially blame my parents for this i guess. i mean, i am so afraid of that emotion. becuase "love" drove my parents to be married, and look how horribly that turned out.

my soul is growing colder, my heart is growing farther. after so many years of searching, i've recently found myself. however, i am so afraid that i've let myself begin drift away again, and i'll have to start that whole journey to self thing again.

darn
it was annoying enough the last time.

i'm so friggin lost right now i want to retreat back into my little world, but this whole "life" thing keeps getting in the way. i've probably said this before, but i feel so alive in my dreams, as opposed to real life, where i feel dead on the inside.

i just want to live in my dreams. so badly. where even if things don't really make sense, they make sense to me. and everything is so much better. the nightmarish creatures that rest at the border between the world of dreams and this world are attempting to separate me, my body, and my mind from myself.

when i'm not around my parents, life just seems so much different, you know? maybe not.

*sigh*
it's hard to explain. i mean, i care about my parents and all, but i really want to get away from them before i lose myself completely. hopefully i can hang on until college.

objective essay about the legality of the iraq war

2008-09-21T15:14:00.002-04:00

note : sorry i don't have a bibliography or a source list, but the infornmation is out there if you look for it. i wrote this essay in the 10th grade as an essay showing our use of ethos, pathos, or logos.
i chose to use mostly logos (logic)
this essay looks at the iraq war from a legal perspective, with some added personal reactions to the information i found.
again, i apologize for the lack of a bibliography.

The Iraq War: Legal or Illegal?

“War should be the politics of last resort” is a quote attributed to Colin Powell and is the general consensus when talking about grand scale conflict. Although in some cases the use of war is justified, the Iraq war is not one of these instances. According to Article 6 of the US Constitution; any treaty signed by congress becomes a part of the “supreme law of the land”, such as in the case of the UN Charter. Any breech of this is a violation of the US constitution. I believe that entering the Iraq war and its continued occupation are illegal acts of aggression as it breaks the UN Security Council charters and by doing so, defies the US constitution. This is because invading Iraq was not self defense or authorized by the UN, in addition to the fact that that the US has been continually been partaking in war crimes and inhumane activities since it entered the war.

This war cannot be justified by self defense, which is one of the instances in which the UN charter allows for force (article 51 of charter). The administration used Saddam’s supposed link to Al Qaeda as one reason because Al Qaeda is the group linked to 9/11. No such evidence has been found that Saddam and Al Qaeda are connected. Another claim was that Iraq had and/or was acquiring weapons of mass destruction. This is also untrue. Even if there were WMDs, potential threats do not justify self-defense unless it is in response to an attack or IMMENANT threat. The infamous “Downing street memo"[1] to the prime minister of Britain indicates the Bush administration was fixing facts around the intended policy in Iraq. This shows that bush was intentionally misleading the public into a war.

The use of force is also allowed if authorized by the UN Security Council. Only the UN has the right to call for the use of force in Iraq if it was UN orders it had breeched. Even if Iraq hadn’t been abiding by the UN’s orders regarding weapons, the US had no authority to invade. The US invaded before UN inspectors had a chance to finish their search. The US and UK did not follow procedure when using force. The United Nations had not authorized the use of force in Iraq (although Bush and Blair tried very hard). Because it was not authorized, it was illegal in the eyes of international law (Article 2(4) of the UN charter).

The continued occupation of Iraq is unlawful and, to say the least, immoral, and the consequences of said occupation will shock and appall because of the inhumanity going on. The “official” estimate from the British government (65-70,000) only includes violent deaths reported by the media and is considered a gross underestimate, and the US government has not (as of recently) tried to keep an accurate count of civilian deaths. According to a British medical journal[2], which gives a closer estimate, the # of civilians killed is 655,000 including innocent men, women, and yes, children. Almost 700,000 people are DEAD because of an illegally fought war (2.5 % of Iraq’s population). Imagine what would happen if a foreign land brutally bombed/killed off 2.5 of the American population, including our own friends and family. There have been many instances of torture and inhumane treatment of detainees, for example, the Abu Ghraib prisons, executions without trial and of the wounded, unlawful and indefinite detentions, and so on. In addition to the large loss of life, the Iraqi people are being forced to endure inhumane torture, beyond that which is considered decent towards our fellow people. “That it is better that a 100 guilty person’s escape than one innocent person should suffer…” is a quote said by Ben Franklin [3], which describes that predicament. Iraq is the geographic location of important sites in human history, including Assyria, Babylon, Mesopotamia, and the World Capital of knowledge of knowledge in the middle ages (Baghdad). This country is being constantly bombed and destroyed. This in known as cultural genocide, and is considered a war crime.

The illegitimacy of the war in Iraq is defined by the lack of permission from higher international powers; it is not self defense, and the criminally wrong things that have been taking place because of this war. The Iraq war is a morally wrong war of aggression, the ultimate war crime. According to the international military tribunal at Nuremburg, when they tried the Nazis, a war of aggression is “the supreme international crime differing from other war crimes in that in contains within itself the accumulated evils of the whole”. The vast implications of this would be that our leaders are war criminals, a presumably frightening thought. With all this going on, it’s seems to me that everyone loses, both the Iraqi, and American, peoples.

[1] The "Downing Street" memo was a formerly classified British document released to the public that has to do with information regarding the Iraq war that was passed between the prime minister of Britain and President Bush.

[2] “The Lancet” (October 2006 issue) - they gave had an independent cross examination of the official death count. They did a study of 50 random clusters in Iraq and calculated # and percentage dead.

[3] Webster’s Dictionary of quotations

Today was a nice day

2008-09-09T18:24:00.002-04:00

yeah. in other words, nothing went wrong!!! ^_^ (which like, never happens)

one odd thing did happen today (flattering?).
i was walking down the social studies hallway with a friend and there was a group of guys walking in the opposite direction. when we reached them one of the guys pointed at another guy and told me " the guy in the blue shirt thinks you're beautiful" and they kept walking while me and my friend walked to her locker. my goodness i didn't know any of the guys. and like, he said it again later, like while we were standing at her locker, that the guy in the blue shirt said i was beautiful...
there were 2 guys so i didn't know which one.

eh, it was pretty random. i was so shocked that i didn't even think to say 'thank you' (i don't exactly get those kinds of compliments everyday from complete strangers)

so yeah. weird. somewhat flattering. interesting?
your comments on this event?

So like, totally going to bangladesh this summer + short story

2008-07-20T21:22:00.003-04:00

Although, it's later than i expected. i went last year too :P
anyway, to whom it may concern, if you are viewing this blog post on facebook, my previous facebook note should have other info on this, so i shall not dwell on it.

I was goona write a short story. but now i don't fell like it. too bad for you.

i leave you with the fear of a thousand screaming alien babies running after your slowly mutating body, as you turn into a giant running sausage. And when your transformation is complete, you will be eaten by stray rats and dogs. haha. that or the alien babies will eat you OR their parents will take you as a science experiment no human genetics... and sausage.

So i'm 7 years old again

2008-07-11T01:38:00.002-04:00

so like, after living with my mom (without my dad being there) for a month my mind, like, my psychological make-up (the way i feel, think, etc) has reverted back to my 7/8 year old stages. that was before my mom started working in NY. i mean, i've spent the summer with my mom before, but usually she was never home because she was always working.
when i was 7/8, my dad was kinda always at work so it's like it is now.
i'm coming back to MD on monday. hopefully i can get back to being the childult (HA i will never be a retarded teeneger :P. that is why i as a 16 year old is a childult mwahahahaha)
seriously. like, i was a messed up little kid. i am so friggin afraid of undoing all of my psycological progress. D=
>.<

so i'm pretty much a miserable psychologically disturbed little kid again. whooo hoooo
i have no idea how this happened.

YAY

2008-06-29T15:23:00.002-04:00

So the mom issues are over...
i'm not gonna go into details but it's all good now. there was some crying and and holding and idk i think there were some misc pill-like substance she gave me at 6 am to help me fall asleep (it was rather slepping pills, nitroglycerin type thing, or it was some sort of truth serum) (i have really bad sleppingness, like, i go to be @ like, 3am but then it was like, 6 am and i was stilll awake...)

so yeah.
and now she's being all nice to me. My goodness emotional rollercoasters. i just hoope this good period lasts a bit longer.
as i always say, my family puts the FUN in disFUNctional

haha

in other news my b-day party might be in Pennsylvania. :O
lol

>.<

2008-06-28T22:20:00.001-04:00

It's days like this that reminds me why i was so suicidal in elementary school years...

More Carl Sagan!

2008-06-25T20:59:00.003-04:00

Ten Quick Questions with Ann Druyan

Taken from the Science Channel site

Ann Druyan is a writer (A Famous Broken Heart; Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors) and the CEO of Cosmos Studios, a production company based out of Ithaca, N.Y. Ms. Druyan is also the widow of Carl Sagan, whom she collaborated with on both the Voyager Golden Record and the epic series, Cosmos. Here, she talks about what it was like to work on the series, her husband's contributions to the scientific community and beyond, and her own legacy with the Solar Sail.

Q: You're now involved in a project called Solar Sailing. Can you talk a little about it?
A: Solar Sailing is a way of moving through space at 10 times the 38,000 mph of the Voyager spacecraft, using reflective sails that look like Mylar. There are six pointed 60-foot-long sails; they're huge and very thin. Once they open, if we can prove they're powered by photons from the sun, we will have had a Wright Brothers moment. The sail will move five-tenths or one-half the speed of light. By the time it gets to another solar system, it will be one-tenth the speed of light.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

((((((((OMG this is awesome!!!!!!!!! when i'm older i'll be able to travel around space!))))))))~ SiR , your blog author ;)

Carl Sagan's Cosmos, and other randomness

2008-06-25T17:57:00.005-04:00

So i was watching the Carl Sagan's Cosmos on the discovery channel and it was pretty great. and i remembered something i saw on the internet (a clip on the internet) and thought up a couple of random things. so the thought came to my mind ,that, under the assumption that time is a dimension(and that we live in the 4rth dimention in that sense) , is it possible that there is a universe in which time has 2, or even 3 dimentions? and there was some other stuff that i can't remember...
gah

anyway, so, next to bill nye the science guy, Carl Sagan is my favorite scientist that has appeared on tv for the purpose of explaining things. :P

Carl's bio!(read this you should!)

in other news, as nice as my mom is, as i grow up i am begining to realize how racist she is, how homophobic she is, and how backwards thinking she is at times. so is my dad. >.<>

examples and quotes:

upon hearing the news that gay marriage was legalized in California "The end of the world is coming!" (said in Bengali). I know religiously she believes that being gay is wrong, and having premarital sex is wrong, so by her logic, gay marriage should be legal , in order to prevent one of those sins. i highly doubt that a change in the LEGAL rights of a relationship is hardly going to change God's view on all of humanity. whether or not you support this legal change, please do consider that the idea that God will destroy the World because of this legal change is rather absurd. no religion I've seen (that explained according to it's believers) has anything about two people of the same sex getting married, just about them having sex ha ha. marriage is a legal right, if you want to call them "civil unions", lets go with that. this bill's language may include the term marriage, but whether or not the ceremony has anything to do with religion is up to the couple and the clergy and whatnot, therefore religious definitions of marriage cannot be used in legal arguments. even if one's religion says being gay is wrong (going back to two people having sex of the same gender), one has to consider whether it is ok to force your religious beliefs into the law of a secular state/nation. She gets "scared" when i "argue" with her, i didn't even outrightly tell her main statement was wrong, just that her reasoning behind it kinda fails, as if she was taught these things as a child, and that even her post-rationalizing doesn;t work very well. that explanation lasted longer than expected haha.
while watching the episode on evolution from Carl Sagan "If we came from monkey's, why aren't all the monkey's gone! These scientists don't know anything!" .............. wow. just wow. even if you for some reason (example religiously) don't believe in evolution on the part of humans, please come up with a more intelligent response...
when referring to the light that became fused on our kitchen ceiling, my mom promptly said (when i said that i was too short to reach it), "That's why we need a man in the house!".... i seriously had to keep myself from saying, no, that's why we need a stepladder in the house...
while i was watching ninja warrior, my mom said, "I'm going to be so scared when you start looking for a husband for you, you have such horrible taste (let it be noted that I've never had a boyfriend in my life, therefore this statement makes no sense, although i think that she was referring to that fact that i have a large diversity in the ethnicities of my friends, and since my school is incredibly diverse with a lot of different types of personalities among those groups, totally makes sense as i know that the majority of stereotypes don't apply, therefor actually getting to know someone before instantly judging based on ridiculous factors makes sense in my world, but not my mom's i guess) . when describing the kind of guy she wants me to marry, she says things that include "from the right type of family with a good background (eh, i care more about the guy himself than his family but ok.....) , soft spoken and nice(i agree here for the most part), etc.....and from the right kind of country" <---- I'm sorry but that's really messed up. like, really really messed up. what from their type of government? obviously that's not what she mean because my parents a re from the most governmentally corrupt politicians in the world. the only thing she could have meant was their national stereotypes. >.<>

what pains me is that most of the time my mom yells at me and speaks very loudly and kinda mean whenever i attempt to tell her the logical follies in her statements. forget that i'm not outrightly telling her she's wrong, just that her explanations have serious lacking. like, she refuses to listen to logical thinking. Heck i don't even talk to my dad about this stuff so i don't know how he'd react, considering the topics rarely come up so i don't have a chance to refute or argue anything, and i don't plan to randomly instigate an argument with my dad over controversial topics when i don't really get to talk to him at all very often. well anyway, Thank you internet extended discussion forums to show be the process of logical thought necessary to keep me from sounding like an idiot and making statements that make no sense whatever your ideology. (And thank you my friends for providing me with real life examples to use when discussing stuff with my mom (sadly, nothing will get through her head).

with all that said, i do awe her a lot of respect, because she is a nice person, and some of the things she taught me (do as she says, not as she does :D ) were really really important, empathizing with the poor, honesty, , being a nice person, sharing, not making fun of other kids and a lot of other things that was really motherly and awesome of her. I have a really complex and confusing relationship with my parents, with so muh involved that nobody, even my friends or people who have read all of my blog has the ability to begin to make judgements, as no one can even begin to completely know the whole story. I love them, as they are my parents, and they have been pretty great sometimes (except when they are being emotionally damaging like parents can be...), but i am allowed to poke holes in their logic if i want to :P

although, i do admit, my common sense sometimes falters. but when it comes to this stuff, i think i got my reasoning to argue with her reasoning right...

so in conclusion, Carl Sagan on Cosmos. Hopefully, Sunday's marathon was not the last airing of this awesome show on the Science channel. LOL that series was EPIC.

Google and yet another death

2008-06-13T13:33:00.002-04:00

So, i had a second grandparent die this year. first it was my mom's dad who died in Pennsylvania back at the beginning of the semester. Today, this morning, the day after the end of the semester, my grandma (dad's mom) died in Bangkok of breast cancer (it was very late stage and had already spread).
Apparently she knew she had it before but she was afraid of telling anyone (if she did tell someone they could have caught it early and done the biopsy to stop it right then) .
unlike my grandpa that died, i wasn't very close to my dad's mom because she lived halfway across the world. and even when i did visit i didn't really spend a lot of time with her. i was actually planning on visiting them this summer knowing that they were old and gonna die within a few years. oh such cruel irony...

In other news, does anyone remember that documentary i did n the MYP program that was like, an hour long?
well Google video is being stupid so the uploading failed. i really hope it actually works.
(i won't be able to upload it without my laptop because that's where the files are so i won't be able to try again till i get back to Maryland)

Another one of my Psychotic/psychedelic experiences....

2008-05-29T22:09:00.005-04:00

No I wasn't on drugs when this happened...

ok so last night/this morning I went to bed at like, 4 something AM and (if you've been keeping up with the blog for a while, you'll know that I've had weird experiences while lying in bed,)

so while falling asleep i felt slightly strange but thought nothing of it.i was slowly drifting into sleep (but not yet there), waking up and falling asleep alternatively a few times as i really needed the rest but it was almost as if something metaphysical was trying to change that. And then, all of a sudden, i feel extremely strange, and I was really confused and scared, because USUALLY when I'm in a dream, i don't think about it being a dream (with exception of a dream i had a few years back involving some social situation that i don't recall very well) , and while waking up, as soon as i begin to relate my experience to a "dream", i USUALLY begin to fade from it, although that is after i reach a fully conscious state.
This time was different.
(this next line may sound cliche) i saw lots of white light and i had an eerie feeling running through me and i was thinking and asking myself whether or not i was awake and i was confused. of course this had to be a dream because i was at home sleeping, right?

but it felt like i was in some limbo passageway/wormhole from wherever the hell i go when I'm sleeping to back in my bedroom and it felt so real like, my entire inner self (i think) there were some dim streaks of grey and yellow (really really light) going forward, and it felt like i was staying in one spot but at the same time falling back. and then like towards the left of my vision field i saw a landscape-ish thing. like, it was desert-esque (for some reason there was a black kinda frame but i couldn't really tell because it was happening so quickly) , and in the middle there was a highway and to the left of the highway was the side of a steep rocky mountain, and the side was kinda flat is, like sheet rock, there was some sparse vegetation to the right of the highway and some clouds. the colors were really dull and the image was zooming out and (i think ) there was the frame.
(Mind you, this happened over what i remember to be a few seconds but i don't think time is equivalent in the two worlds, plus i was wondering wtf was going on because my "rational" thinking mind was trying to rationalize this experience saying am i hallucinating, why would i be hallucinating, could it be sleep deprivation, etc, although that's the cynical thing to do, and the naive thing to do, which i often do, would be to think that i was consciously viewing my journey from the dream worlds to this world, hinted in my other dreams )
so i was back in the white (passageway? i couldn't tell because there was no shadow or walls) but it was more like instead of moving away zooming out, it was changing angle of view zooming out, so the picture/image of the highway was slanted or something. and there were tons of lights and some white/grey/whatever i saw and i was ridiculously in an utter state of confusion, (here's the part that was the main part and most memorable)and it felt like i was floating up perpendicularly to whatever i felt was the ground (i could feel gravity) and an increasing amount of fear turned into a surge within the couple of seconds of increasing altitude and i was scared to death. and then all of a sudden, i feel back into my body and woke up slowly. like, the rate of me falling wasn't affected by free fall or anything. i just felt strange and intense fear and fell back into my body in bed, at the same angle in the same position. During the bit where i fell back into my body, i could feel my sensory switching FROM MY SOUL TO MY BODY.
like, my emotions in my semi-dream state felt completely through my inner and as i fell back down to bed i lost that feeling and began to feel my covers. and it wasn't the typical waking up experience, because i didn't widely open my eyes or anything r wake up suddenly. i just, traveled back to my room. I feel that that whole experience wasn't completely in the "dream world" because usually in the dream world i am no consciously aware of it being a dream, much like how in this world i don't consciously think omg I'm in the "real" world.

It wasn't a near death experience, because i wasn't dying
I don't know if it was an out of body experience because i didn't see my body(i felt it) and i didn't see my body in the real world, and i wasn't looking down and seeing myself.
idk wtf happened.
anyway, i had school in a couple hours so i tried to get some more sleep. and i felt the way i often feel when i wake up with the leftover feeling from the dream(and this time without the falling or the passageway) . And i was feeling that subtle indescribable feeling of surreality that always happens.

upon reflecting on my experience with, i concluded that indeed, my "soul" or mind or spirit or whatever you want to call it, is separated from my physical self when i sleep. Like, i am separate from myself. it's freaky.

So it was one of three thing -some kind of psychosis(with crazy experiences before, with the monsters preventing my from traveling to the dream world and blocking my path playfully as if they have something to gain without seeing myself), sleep deprivation related hallucinations, or the one idea that i would have otherwise scoffed at had i not experienced it myself, that i was seriously passing through different dimensions and the radical idea that the soul leaves my body every time i fall asleep/reach rem and that i was experiencing an anomaly in which i was being pushed and pulled in and out of consciousness, the last time being one in which i bore witness to.

so i thought i was going insane but then Marissa Baxter from my studio art class said that she also had a dream in which she was floating up and fell back into her body. She was just as weirded out as i was that someone else had such a similar dream.
i don't know whether it's coincidence or not or whether everyone is going insane but something weird is definitely happening

~SiR

lately a lot of people are having weird dreams with incredibly strange situations i haven't heard of any with experiences similar to mine besides my art classmate Marissa and this one incident.
nothing significant and I'm not jumping to conclusions. just noting that people have been having weird dreams and none of which make sense anymore.

to quote from somewhere, "I am not suffering from insanity... I'm enjoying every minute of it."

Today's WTF Award goes to....

2008-05-20T00:06:00.002-04:00

During most of this campaign, Race and gender hasn't been the deciding factors, which is how it should be. People who vote for Obama aren't anti-woman and people who vote for Clinton aren't anti-black...
Except for West Virginia apparantly. I understand that most of the state is filled with reasonablely thinking people who aren't racist, but i guess in this case the racist parts that haven't been informed about anything ever decided to have a high voter turnout and then ADMIT THAT THEY WERE RACIST. >.<> ONE OUT OF FIVE WEST VIRGINIA VOTERS SAID RACE WAS A FACTOR....
WTF west virginia... W. T. F
*dies* . Pulling the race card is always stupid...
except this time it's true so I have no idea what to say...

Hiding in lockers and scaring the **** out of people!!

2008-04-09T15:42:00.003-04:00

So if you've ever seen me at school in my locker, you know what i mean.
I will often
a) just stand in my locker looking at people's reactions as they walk by
or
b)hide in my locker and pop out at the right moment to scare the holy crap out of them as they walk by...
this is done for several inexplicable reasons due to my eclectic nature...

here is a part of a comic by kiki jones (taken from gurl.com)

My Very Complex relationship with the sailor moon series...

2008-04-04T16:02:00.006-04:00

Oh the mixed feelings

So we got into a converation in school today with me, another student, and a teacher somehow began a conversation about transformers, anyway, so we brought up whether or not i liked sailor moon... i said that i did like it but it was out of peer pressure... actually my original "official" fandom was perpetuated not by "peers" but they were actually lie 5 years old and i was 9...
yeah, no one in my class watched cartoons that weren't spongebob....
Anyway, so conceptually the show was really good,, but so many other things were butchered...
so those kids would constantly force me to draw the charachters from the show, which i hadn't watched in a year because it was cancelled in the US.
Because of thses kids, i got re-intrested in this show, and also, art, which is what has been one of the things that has kept me witht he show. that and nostalgia and one charachter i will talk about later.

Anyway,my list of things that are wrong with the show
#1) REALLY BAD VOICE ACTORS
corny music
tranformation filler scenes that totally failed
the fact thet the main charachter is an airheaded ditz
and a whole bunch of other things...
Exhibit A: Here is sailor moon (the main charachter)'s transformation scenes that took up retarded time and the television version of this was for kids, while in the transformation sequences you would ee all the contours of her body... which is just wrong because she's 14...

Exhibit B
What kept me hooked to this series to this day, despite the retarded girly-ness pink things overdose, was one single charachter, who didn't even show up in the series that much(only made 29 appearances in the entire series), was sailor saturn/hotaru tomoe
the best effing charachter on the sho (second best was pluto and then mercury)
She was so dark and myterious and such an outcast and hated by even some other scouts because of her amazing ability to destroy planets and her awsome power. If it wasn't for the Imperium Silver Crystal Hotaru would be the most poweful charachter and at the time as a 9 year old i really connected to her (and i kinda still do)
google her background story it's effing cool
her overall presence is what made the show as cool, without her charachter (effing voice actor), the show would not be nearly as "good"

here is the season finally of Sailor Moon S
As you can see, they had such a great concept to work with but ruined it... hance, i like the manga better, i can imagine it better ^_^
these thre links are episode 125 (in 3 parts)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Flni0VnFPK8
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pDIwvi5mXSU&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zzb5u_wFQNs&feature=related

in addition the voice acting was horrible...
episode where she was introduced

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ek9ZmZQO9To&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=sfWk926v_sw&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=xBJ7ugmxlgE&feature=related

othere general clips with hotaru , hotaru being the cool part...
also the absolute crazy creatures keep things new...

these would be SOOO much better if they had better voice actors....

OH and that thing about sailor moon being a girl thing, i know so many effing guys that watched sailor moon... haha

2004 elections

2008-03-10T19:10:00.004-04:00

here's something i found from a while back.
it was an assignment and we had to make a political cartoon. because I'm a liberal, who, at the time lived in a red state, and out of fear of being smushed to death by my classmates, i made an attempt at staying neutral...
i don't think i was ever politically apathetic, at least not since i was like, 10...
xD
so i made this when i was like, 12. i understand i was incorrect in putting war in Kerry's speech bubble considering he was anti-war... or was i trying to be ironic? i can't remember.
haha

also, due to procrastination and the knowledge of the fact i have to finish my "homework...", i was unable to reach my goal of finishing through the looking glass today...

I OTHER NEWS... CHECK OUT MY DEVIANT ART (WHICH I UPDATE ON A SEMIREGULARBASIS) @ http://www.sarahs0001.deviantart.com

book a day (or 2 days)

2008-03-10T15:14:00.003-04:00

hmm.... i'm trying to re-enchant myself with learning after and during the horrors of the school system... so i'm trying to read a book a day or every 2 days, and it has to be worthwhile. if a book is boring me to death within the forst, like, 40-50 pages, it fails and i start the next one...
Today's task: read Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carrol ,
and tomorrow, i'm going to finish the 4rth Artemis fowl book,
and then the next day a lare comic book about marvel comics
ad then for a few days the cirque du freak series,
and then the trial by kafke, and then the goosebumps books and other crap from the 90's i have yet to read, and just stuff...
*^_^*

also, i'm working on another project (not for school) about the school system....
WHY IS IT THAT I NEVER SEEM TO FINISH ANY OF MY PROJECTS!!!??/??!!?!?!?!?!??!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?INTEROBANG(?+!=interobang) ?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

Ramblings of an insane mind... oh dear

2008-03-09T16:51:00.003-04:00

eh, I'll start off with something lighthearted
Q#1 to parents- If you had to censor something from your children, would it be the evening news or video games like grand/theft auto?
Q#2 (follow up)- Which do you think desensitizes people to the consequences of violence more, a dramatizes, realistic yet obviously fictional depiction of violence or a nonchalant depiction of grotesque, real, actually occurring violence?

on to the fact I'm going insane.
so yesterday, i was having a similar experience to the one i had when i had the living nightmare (i think i was hallucinating, you know, the one with the creepy skeletal snake lady and the shadowy figures and the fact i felt detatched from my body but still in it and it was like i wasn't myself?)

anyway, so yesterday i was sitting on the living room couch, reading "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, and i was fidgeting, as always, but it was weird, because it didn't feel deliberate. nothing i do with my body feels deliberate. it's as if me and myself are 2 entirely different entities ith 2 very different mindset. on the one hand i have the part of me that has coherent thoughts, and the other part that speaks through fidgeting-and just a subconscious self-masochism. like, my feet will be hitting each other whenever my mind is rather idle or being stimulated (reading a book for fun), my body starts to to assert it's existence by causing some sort of sensation, including pain. this might explain my other problem, which i will not talk about cuz you don't need to know because the only people who can help me are denying that it's a problem.... >.< (basically i'm not ready to talk about it publicly yet) ...
anyway...

it's like, the 2 part of me are having conflict with itself and when one is getting more attention the other calls itself to attention. it's like, my mental and physical connections are weak, so that i make a fist, and i think of it, and my fist is being clenched, but it feels like a loose result of my intension, and not a part of me...
it's hard to explain.
the harmony/connection between my "soul" and body has been off, and things that aren't supposed to happen are happening, and my nightmares(which happen when i'm awake, again, i think i'm hallucinating) are taking over my life, and my dreams fell more real than "real" life (exceot in my dreams i don't seem to have a sense of smell... that or i just don't breathe in my dreams...)

it's like, 2 different essences somehow loosely connected and forced within the same "time space area" and forced to commit to an "existance". One is made of matter and will always be in a state of self awareness and a part yet not a part of this universe, and is given some power through my connection with it, but it wouldn't make a difference to it if i was dead or alive.
and then there's this other part that feels like it's eternal and dependent on this thing to keep itself here. and like, my dreams are stretching my soul from my body, and each time i wake up they're a little farther apart and each time i'm on the border of real and dreams my nightmares push me awake, as if there's something to be feared from dreams that may keep them from torturing me, which is apparently their current source of amusement. And even as I'm typing now, i am at the whim of my hand, and i'm slowly drifting away from my whithering control of this sorry state of being.

I am afraid of living, and am afraid of the living induced by the state of dying...

*I am who i am, but i am not what i am.*

p.s. my study table at home is begining to look like ms. fishman's old room...
oh he randomess all over it. random drawings and quotes and God knows what else.
*smashes head against desk*

"thought of the day" (random = very yes)

2008-02-23T03:03:00.001-05:00

anything that can be used can be misused
....
xD
lol

2008-02-21T00:02:00.003-05:00

Ah, so much has happened in the recent past few weeks.
new semester, the (rather depressing) death of a close relative, my steady realization that i actually have a problem and it's not just a rumor that i'm crazy.... oh they say i'm crazy now... *snap out of it* O.o oh dear.

and then i was absent for a week and have been struggleing in the schooling place. the weather is being psycho... and so after school activities have been canceled 2 Wednesdays in a row... meaning no soul caliber II.... *cry*

*sigh*

anyway, i'm steadily been in a downward spiral mentally speaking and have completely undone much of the progress I'm made over the past couple years. My and my friend Katy shall be working on a mini-project while we work out the details for the series we're working on.
i'd give more details but i'm afraid of people stealing the idea.

BEWARE BAKED GOODS!!!!
anyway, so for the past school year I've been venting to a teacher at my school because my guidance counselor creeps me out (and he kinda fails at being counselor).
However, i think I've been bothering him too much with random crap such as youtube videos O.o that i think i should back off for a while.

on a side note i'm worried that i might need a behavioral therapist because of the fact that i do indeed have a problem that i am begining to accept. plus ii felt some of the physical repercussions of my behaviors... so... i'm going to try to find a behavioral therapist which specializes in what i have.

In other news, i've been haveing really strange dreams... everything from Cannibals to school to hotels and cruises and ships and basements and a whole bunch of other crap...
i think i need some dream therapy too...
Complex Organic Nomenclature goes right over my head.... AKA no comprendo. spanish on the other hand i pwn. totally. Actually, i pwn science in general, just organic nomenclature= fail...
O.o
anyway...
we're reading frankenstein in english... btw...

also! my relationship woth my parents confuses me because It's rather REALLY GOOD or REALLY BAD. talk about a stable home environment... we definately put the FUN back in disFUNctional...

i fail at arguing with people.... so eh. just eh.

oh and i've been trying to spread the word/name shegufta on the internet as an adjective eqivalent to the word cool or awsome (no one must now it's origin...) .
lulzorzpwnedkthxbai

Barack Obama Super Tuesday Speech

2008-02-06T16:23:00.000-05:00

For the first time in my life i see a president with sincerity in his eyes and i can truly feel that there is someone genuine, and passion and hope in his heart, and a voice where you hear honesty and that same voice of truth can sway the lines and borders between us and change not only America, but the world (for the better ;] )

Barack Obama and his voice?

2008-02-02T20:08:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that Obama Has a way with words. whether or not that is connected to his ability to lead, is a matter of opinion among individuals.
Barack Obama has so far been sending me messages and videos on myspace.
Many of these videos are profound in their presentation and many of the videos, quite frankly, are creative as well as powerful in their deliverance of whatever message is in the video.
He also has his own downloadable ring tones.

If Senator Obama's political life ever slips, at least he has a solid fall back in the music industry. xD
Have i mentioned he won a Grammy? (best spoken word album)
xD

here are some of his more, musical videos/speeches...
(if you are viewing this from a souce other than blogger, go to sir0001.blogspot.com to see these videos)

Musical endorsements :

childhood question ep. 1

2008-01-31T01:45:00.000-05:00

when did it stop being okay for us to play in the dirt?

Yes, Virginia

2008-01-14T01:01:00.000-05:00

Eight-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon wrote a letter to the editor of New York's Sun, and the quick response was printed as an unsigned editorial Sept. 21, 1897. The work of veteran newsman Francis Pharcellus Church has since become history's most reprinted newspaper editorial, appearing in part or whole in dozens of languages in books, movies, and other editorials, and on posters and stamps.

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
"Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
"Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
"Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

"VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
"115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Newsman Francis Pharcellus Church wrote The Sun's response to Virginia.

(taken from http://www.newseum.org/yesvirginia/ )

Night of the living republicans

2007-12-26T20:43:00.001-05:00

Don't send a lame Starring You! eCard. Try JibJab Sendables!

The Picking of Imperfections

2007-12-14T17:18:00.000-05:00

Perfect?
Perfect you want?
I’ll try my best
But in everything you say?
Everything?
Is it perfection you want?
I’ll try

I’ve done everything I can
I’ve worked myself to death
But still not perfect
How the hell
Could I possibly fix it?

I walk towards a mirror

What’s this we see?
A bump? A bump?
The imperfection!
I must be rid of it!
Immediately
Two fingernails reach for

A bump, a head, a scab
And I pick it off
Until I feel satisfied
Until the skin is gone
And all that is left is
A bit of blood

Hey
That felt good
Instant results, not having to wait
Maybe there is a bit of blood
A hole gauged out of my skin and body
But hey
It’s gone, right?
And skin heals, right?

I pick some more
And more
And more
At everything now
A hair that doesn’t look right
A blackhead no one but I can see
And the result is always the same
A small stream of blood
Which is sure to leave
A scab for me
To pick out later

Scars? SCARS?
How dare they appear?
Ruining perfection
I must be rid of them

I am covered now
To conceal the scars
All of them
Along my legs, arms, and back,
And face

All the scars
And imperfections
And emotions and everything
Hidden whichever way possible
To appear perfect?

Whenever I feel overwhelmed
I reach for these things I control
Like my nails
My skin, my eyelashes

That doesn’t look right
That doesn’t feel right
Nature is wrong

Let me fix it
Lemme have a go

My skin
It’s bleeding now
From all these scars that I pick at more
From your disapproving absence
And now you hate me
For my picking problem imperfection

Do you think your disapproval will help me now?

Is this the perfection you wanted?

I’m having trouble stopping at this point

It feels good
And it helps me deal with stress
The Imperfections. They’re getting bigger
I think they’re getting infected

I know its unhealthy now
But I can’t stop!
It is natural to me now, the picking
It is second nature

But you keep yelling

Now what?

dreams/awake

2007-11-26T16:15:00.000-05:00

i haven't posted in a while, and you've missed out on a lot. i pity thee :)

So it was thanksgiving weekend this past weekend and i got a lot of sleep(that i needed and caught up on)
and i woke up when i pleased, somewhere around 9 am - 1 pm
it was wonderful. and you can't possibly beleive how wonderful it was. it's not just catching up with sleep for me. it's not just laziness. it really is something else.

so this morning, i woke up. and as usual, i had one of my wacky dreams, like i do everyday. and when i woke up, all i could remember was that the dream ended at the perfect time, at it's conclusion, and then my dad came and woke me up. and the feeling i had while dreaming was so peaceful, because even though i didn't remember the dream, i remembered that it was unreal, and that it was peaceful, and exciting, and i just felt beautiful and that everything was perfect like a fairytale, and i felt like the hero, so unlike the night before, when i was picking at my skin till i bled at every little bump on my face and arms. and when i woke up, i returned to that feeling, of ugliness, of uselessness, of being a machine, getting up to go to school when i didn't want to. i couldn't take it anymore. and it's pretty obvious I'm not going to learn anything. i just wanted to go back to that feeling of living. i felt so dead and cold when i woke up. is it normal, to feel more alive when you're asleep , and completely dead when you're awake

my dreams are always weird and psychedelic. the places i go in my dreams are so much more real than this one. so much more real than reality.

i can't fudging explain it. i just want to sleep all the time. when i dream, i... i...i.....
i don't know.

if i were to go any further i would be destroying the lovely secrecy and joy and the thing that is mine,
and the joys of secrecy are lovely, when it's holding in something good. <3

and it's not like anyone reads this anyway. haha.

2007-11-01T12:48:00.000-04:00

What Power Do You Posses?

You are an Empath
An empath is someone who has the power to feel and manipulate the emotions of others. Empaths often have mood-swings, or are sometimes classified as bi-polar, but it's simply the emotions of others around you.
You are often one that people turn to for guidance, for your uncanny ability to make people feel better, to reduce their anger or depression.
The bad side is that you tend to often feel other's emotions and confuse them as your own, and act upon them accordingly, confusing and possibly scaring or angering others.

How do you compare?
Take this test! Tests from Testriffic

I'll show you (how deep the rabbit hole goes)(alternative version with slightly different meaning)

2007-10-07T05:33:00.000-04:00

5 in the morning
still not asleep
my blinks get longer
and longer

and then i fall

down the rabbit hole
Am I too late?
sweet dark continuity, down it goes
And then i think

and i think more

down the tunnel
that i fell down
many times before
why do i feel so small?

and there were boxes
labeled "knowledge"
and they jumped around like hoppers
and the boxes were wrapped in a tape that was known as the preconceived notion

they are floating

and i know I'm coming near some end
or something different
my human boredom creeping up on me
and i see a watch

my face is in the watch

it's screaming
pushing up against the glass to escape
and it's falling with me
down the rabbit hole

Down the rabitt hole we go
where everything make sense
And nothing does
and everything is micro

and everything is macro

are you willing to see the answers?
are you ready?
take my right hand to hold on tight as we fall
or will you climb up a wall?

how badly do you want to know?

Another reality
one that's different
where nothing is possible
and nothing is everything

Will you follow my mysteries? Because i can show you, how deep the rabbit hole really goes

(there is a reference to a graphite drawing by a local high school student, currently on exhibit at their school within the poem. the name of the drawing is "tripped in time")

I'll Show You(how deep the rabbit hole goes)

2007-10-07T05:14:00.000-04:00

5 in the morning
still not asleep
my blinks get longer
and longer

and then i fall

down the rabbit hole
Am I too late?
sweet dark continuity, down it goes
And then i think

and i think more

does it really need to end?
is there a bottom to this rabbit hole?
will the centripetal force of the earth keep me from the mantel?
Why do i have to wait for an answer?

i see a light bulb

and another
and another
and yes one more
how they glow!

they are floating

and i know I'm coming near some end
or something different
my human boredom creeping up on me
and i see a watch

my face is in the watch

it's screaming
pushing up against the glass to escape
and it's falling with me
down the rabbit hole

will you follow me till i find my answers? down the rabbit hole evermore?

or will you wake up to a world what's familiar,
the smell of coffee and fumes
and the burn of a fiery center
with threat of utter doom

Will you follow my heart?

what a window to see through
what dimensions of another
time squared? area^4th power?

Will you follow my mysteries? Because i can show you, how deep the rabbit hole really goes

(added note, this was written at 5 am, don't expect me to explain the meaning)

How the Apple Fell (far) ------------ (a bit of prose by shegufta razzaque)

2007-09-29T00:04:00.000-04:00

On one spring day, pollen was in the air.
And there were two young intertwined apples trees that were in the midst of the orchard on a hill, on the very top of the hill.
Sure enough, by summer, a little apple had started growing. It was small and green, and unaware of its flaws.
This in and of itself was amazing, because this pair of trees had had an apples almost spawned before, but alas, it was cut off, in winter, before it fell.
And they wished for another, and what they got was a one single apple. It fell from the tree one month before harvest season, and when it fell, it hugged the roots of its parents.
But there was a wind - a fateful wind that fall season - that would not hold a cool breeze but a curse. And so the branches of the two trees start disturbing harmony, moaning, screeching, and drifting apart. Their roots began to unravel, and loose. And so the young, still slightly green, apple fell out from its bed in the roots. As this event continued to occur, the apple slowly rolled farther and farther down the hill, for the roots ran deep, and the wind was harsh this season. They whistled of hate and past times and against other trees (they particularly didn't like the oranges, who they believed were innately sour and thus "bad").They howled about way they were once entwined (but no longer), and how they reached the top of the hill, and how sick they were of each other. The little apple, distraught by the events, was afraid. It was afraid of falling out of the orchard. It was afraid of rotting. It was afraid of growing up to be an apple tree in that orchard, for it did not want to be like the trees that once held it. So for a while, the apple wished to rot, and wanted to fall out of the orchard, maybe to live in another. But then winter came early this year, preserving it in its un-rotten sweetness, at least for the season. Sure enough, the winds didn't stop, and neither did the trees. The little apple looking on couldn't escape, frozen in this pandemonium. And then spring came, and it began to thaw. While the weather was still cool and crisp, one unnaturally strong wind flew in, and the apple began to roll. Down the hill it went, far from what made it. Those two trees will always have been the young apples parents. And the apple will miss them dearly. The apple was destined for a different life, far different than the bittersweet story of the year before. And although it will live in the same orchard, and will always be an apple, to grow up to be an apple carrier of its own, one might still say that in this story, the apple did indeed fall far from tree.

follow up to "life sucks as usual"

2007-09-24T16:39:00.000-04:00

i'm ok...
some of you may have read my last post (which got deleted on facebook becuz it was just me venting as opposed to an announcement) and if you're on facebook you can still look for the post somewhere on sir0001.blogspot.com .

so basically i wanted to let everyone know that i'm ok, and i was just letting out a bunch of emotions. yeah, i have on and off anger and depression issues, but they're under control.
and i love my parents very much. i love hanging out with my mom, and i love hanging out with my dad (although i do not like hanging out with my mom and dad, for again, they are always fighting when thay are within a 20 feet radius of eachother...) and they have their issues, (although i do not want to be a part of said yelling). *sigh* i'm calm now, but a lot of the things i said were true...

*sigh*
<3>

so life sucks as usual

2007-09-22T23:53:00.000-04:00

my parents are fighting, again. my dad is off with his cousins during their anniversary(he didn't forget, it's just that his cousins,/my aunts and uncles, are visiting from bangladesh and are leaving tomorrow). and it their 20th anniversary, so.... um.... very difficult to pick sides here.

and I'm dragged in as usual.

and i have to travel so many hours this weekend(takes so many hours to drive to new york to visit my mom, then to pennsylvania and back to new york and then back home...). almost no time to study for the 3 quizes i have on monday or finish that lab report due Wednesday or even work on the summary of chapter one of don quijote(plus the comprehension questions and grammar questions, which are a lot) plus my specialty program project, which is seriously going to be heck doing. i need a break. like, i wanna justchill and have conversations with my *smart* friends about quantum physics and string theory and faeries and the worlds of sci-fi fantasy and abstract thought and art and actually LEARN things, as opposed to going to school.

homework has estroyed school for me. i love learning DESPITE school, not because of it. i don' mind school so much as i just think homework is stupid. and this is coming from someone who used to want to live in school (because home just sucked and at least in school i could escape to the library into the mythical lands to escape myself). homework has ruined school for me.

i propose a motion to ban homework. seriously. i am losing sleep. school is a hazard to my health. seriously, they make you choose between your health and getting into yale (not that i'll ever be able to afford it...). life sucks.

and on top of that... i just feel so fricken alone. i am separated from everyone (by distance or by mind). i have no close friends. my best friend and i rarely talk anymore. i don't have time to hang out with anyone. everyone feels so distant and i feel so isolated and alone, like, no one cares anymore. that just because i'm older and actually understand what the hell is going on and why means it doesn't hurt me emotionally. which isn't true. i want to feel loved. i mean, i grew up an only child. on top of that i was isolated (alienated at school by my peers, and never allowed to go outside as decreed by my parents), and on top of that at home when my parents were around (not too bust cleaning, cooking, watching tv, reading, etc..) they are always fighting. sometimes i think that because of them, i never knew what love is. i am incapable of love, yet long for it. i want to be social... i really do... i'm incredibly talkative, i just don't know when to stop because i'm so clingy. and sometime i feel like even though i want to get along with everyone, i feel that i just don't like people, because of how my negative emotions connected to people greatly outnumber the positive.

and all at the same time, my parents trained me to be plastic. i hide my emotions, i can't express myself(outside of my anonymous blog), everyone thinks i'm a happy cheerful person, who livesin a bubble and loves life. none of them know about my childhood, how i felt, what bothered me, why life suck, why i like the things i do, why i am the way i am...

i don't want to die, because i want to change the world..., i want to make it better, i want to help people, and end the suffeing of hnudreds, if not millions...

but sometimes i think, would it be better if i had just not been conceived?
i don't want any more pain. sometime, i really am happy, and people think i'm being dramatic, but that's not true. in comparison to how i usually feel, being exhausted at school but surrounded by things i love (art, books, science, my only escapes), is better than being at home, surrounded by hate and ritualistic homework, with only myself as a formidable opponent, i long for something more than what i have.

i just want to have the emotionl ability to actually car about people again. to regain the empathy i used to be able to use.

i just don't want to feel alone anymore. i don't want to feel like no one cares.
wanna know a secret? from the ages of 7 through 10, i was near suicidal. but i got over it (with the help of religion, and btw, be tolerant, just because i believe something different than you doesn't make me a worse person). i have since been suffering from on and off anger and depression issues since i was 11, and have been trying to deal with it. but i can't. my parents aren't paying attention. my dad has his own problems and my mom is in denial that i'm not the prefect preppy little girly-girl that she wanted me to be. instead i'm a tomboy, and i have problems, which she ignores. i have no one to talk to. i can't talk to my friends, because i'm not that close to anyone. i can't talk to my parents (yes i have tried) , because they are rather like "if you can't do anything about it then chill out" or "if you don't stop crying for no 'good' reason I'm going to punish you" or "it's not my fault so why are you complaining to me" , i can't talk to any of my teachers at school because they'd call my parents, i just plain don't like my guidance counselor, and in almost every way i feel alone. why doesn't anyone care? why don't people give hugs? why is everyone turning into machines? is acknowledging someone exists and talking to them really that annoying?

isolation sucks. surrounded by people and always alone. i don't know how to feel. i am not numb. i just have never learned how to interpret anything besides pain, because that's all i see around me.

if i ever needed help from the people of earth, now would be a good time. sometmes i fel so worthless and wonder what the hell am i doning with my life. for almost all my life to this day, everything is about grades and "doing well" in the ritualized version of school, and if i'm not the best, i feel like nothing, because that's the only way to honorably get noticed, to be the best. but i'm not perfect, and i can only keep something up for so long and even then the attention i get is so very temporary. cuz after a while people just get used to it. how the hell do i get people to pay attention... runaway? cut off a limb? smash my head against a wall till i bleed? *sigh* although i'm too much of a sissy to to any of those.

*thought of the day* - give a stranger a hug(with their consent), to let them know they're not alone. you just might save their life.

awwwwww (i want this shirt)

2007-08-23T16:10:00.001-04:00

My Secret

2007-08-10T23:45:00.000-04:00

I loathe how i look like fake plastic doll in photos
and
how my family treats me like a wax mannequin

see me as a perfect little girl
as quiet, soft spoken, and faultless
i liked being seen as a child
now all they talk about is who i should end up marrying

i miss having the freedom to run around and play with other kids
all they want me to do sit and look pretty.
trophy neice, trophy daughter, trophy cousin
emotionless, and smiling like a robot all the time
with perfect grades
and they still want to change me

"let's change her hair(grow it out, straighten it, etc)"
they want me to dance, though i won't
they want me to sing, though i won't

all the while i'm just sitting there, out of my element, and living up to their expectations.

SeyeR(S.i.R)

PS- this was not a poem

Lest We Sleep, Nocturnal Asylum

2007-07-10T02:01:00.000-04:00

It was on that fateful night
When the phantoms flew near
And on this careless night flight
They did not what ears could hear

They stole the dreams of those ‘sleep
Asleep under their covers
For they stripped the gold mine deep
And too they caped their lovers

Those awake, they did not hearken
The scream-less horror then
For these loved the light darken
And then awake, always safe

Pain the Fuel

2007-07-10T00:49:00.000-04:00

Like a stream of gold it flows
Trickling down into a heart shaped black bucket
The ghost of happiness haunting the remains the dark red meadows
Shimmering in the grim, sweat, dreamers’ night
The song of the ravens
The dance of the pixies of death
Fated misery for the greater good

The searing agony of the spirit
The exercise for strength
More than the pain
It is what is birthed from it that fortifies the silver trenches
With which the wars of society are fought for a person alone
It is pain that fuels the change
Adversity the heated engine for the evolution of the mind

the ultimate absinance film o.o (for girls at least)

2007-07-05T16:11:00.000-04:00

so I'm taking health over the summer so that i can take studio art next year.
today being the second to last day of class (this week we were going over human sexuality and whatnot)
and they show us a video of a live birth
and, umm.... it was pretty graphic.
we watched it once
then backwards ... *dies* (the image of putting the baby back in)
then again

so, it was pretty painful looking...
the awkward video was just made worse by my amazingly awkward teacher mr. farhner.
he's a pretty cool and hilariously awsome teacher, but creates endless akward moments.... o.o

One last song (for those who like indie rock XD lolz)

2007-06-10T19:10:00.000-04:00

Anyway, so i was on gvod.blogspot.com
and this adorable heartwarming cartoon is what i found.
With all it's subliminal comments about society and human nature.
<3

Hardcore Studying!!!!!!!!(true story!)

2007-06-09T17:03:00.000-04:00

Look at the peice of paper in the picture. (click for larger view)

What you might be thinking is , "What are those spots of red on that geometry semster review sheet? Could it be blood? Could it be juice?"

NO

It's CANDLE WAX!

To begin from the begining, I have finals next week (and had one on friday).
So i was studting friday night for my geometry final (which is on tuesday)., And the strangest thing happend. There was a vicious lighting storm, trees fell, electricity lines fell because of trees, and all the electricity in the entire area blew out while I was studying. I the the midst of this adversity, I began to light candles And study by candlelight. Amazingly, i managed to get some work done. After about a couple hours of drudgery and working by dim cadlelight, i had moved the candle and accidently spilled hot, liquid candlewax on my paper. That's how hardcore I am. I study by candlelight if I have to.

Plus those hours i had spent some quality time with my mother with arguing (but it was funny, upbeat, and filled with wimsical laughter). When my dad came home we talked and laughed a bit more. I asked him whether he sawn any "trees" fall ont powerline when he drove home. he thought I had said "cheese". He was all like, "what?".
and we laughed about that.

I got sleepy early though because of all the carbon dioxidefrom the candles.

i just have one conclusion...

LOLz

The Rabbit

2007-06-07T13:21:00.000-04:00

One day, a little bunny rabbit walked up to me and twitched its little pink nose. At that moment I knew it was out the kill me, with it's hidden fangs, that i imagined to be as powerful as a truck smashing in to wall. I began to run, faster than the earth could spin, but i couldn't escape. The vampire of a rabbit kept following me. I came to the conclusion that this was becoming a bit of a problem. i decided to stand and fight the rabbit. This little bunny hopped up to me and began to lick my ankles, nibbling almost. It seemed that this snowy rabbit was tasting me before it could jump and bite me to turn me into a vampire like it. i shook it off of my foot and tried to catch it. But as i bent down to grab it, it's red eyes began to bleed and it jumped up and tried to bite me, snake-like fangs and all. Luckily, I dodged it's attack. To it's demise, it jumped into a tree and received a blunt attack to its temple and received a concussion.

In total sadness I took the poor rabbit and took it with me out of guilt at its pain and suffering. I walked down to winding paths of the dark and dismal forest. As i was strolling along a particularly bumpy road less traveled, i came across the home of a medicine man. I knocked on the door as the rabbit began to twitch in a pain while returning to the very consciousness that caused it pain. The medicine man opened the wooden portal and let us in. As if he knew exactly what happened he took the poor bunny and told me to leave. What I expected would happened didn't. As i was creeping out of the collection of walls covered in various forms of witchcraft, I saw the shadow of a figure diving a stake through something and the yelps of a helpless animal. I quickly dashed away, crying at my mistake of bringing the poor thing there. After about a half hour, i realized i was lost. I wandered around and i stumbled upon a lake. I went to take a look and fell in it. I instantly froze and slowly but surely fell to my frozen death.

----an excerpt from the yet to be written "The Many Ways I May Die" series by the author of this blog.

Gone

2007-06-02T13:59:00.000-04:00

Fire fire
Where has it gone
Cry, cry
Gone with the song
Song of life
Song of life

Find me in another song

If life had no meaning

2007-05-24T20:57:00.000-04:00

Sad day
Monotonous day
Fading like dreams
From many years ago

If life had no meaning
There would be no empathy
No shared pain
No doubled joy

If life had no meaning
A life would be a clock
Always ticking steadily until
the batteries run out

If life had no meaning
Everyone would be working
And striving
For a material end

If life had no meaning
Friends would come
After power
After Money

People strive for a steady career
For a few more dollars
And as if
Life is not to be treasured

Does life have no meaning?
or is it human nature to find a regularity when it isn't needed?

Money is the Goal

2007-05-24T20:39:00.000-04:00

As one may know
Money is power
to make a poor man cower
And some might say that it makes the world go 'round

It is green like the earth
It is like a meadow or a tree
But can it provide shade in the blistering sunwith the softness of the sea
or from lying in it can you hear the rumbling life of the earth?

It is ok to strive for money
For it can bring you food and shelter and luxuries and spoil a child with sweets
But is it right to spend all your time reaching for powerful seats
And this little green paper withlittle green numbers
Above anything else with ni child to spoil or
No time with which to enjoy a luxury?

Is it all right to sit and file papers away
And stare at a screen every single day
With no hope of escape?

And leave the world unexplored?

Is it alright to do nothing while others starve away
To be alone with a bucket of green paper day after day.

SAD :'(

2007-05-09T20:54:00.000-04:00

I'm just feeling more down than usual because of a lot of stuff. T_T
like, having been sick (asthma, bronchitis, and allergies )
:(

and all the work i have to make up.
it's a lot

and just the feeling of being sick makes me feel bad

*sigh*

*crawls into a corner and sobs while doing homework*

Corporate Inevitability

2007-05-09T16:35:00.000-04:00

Day by day, like a pedulum life swings
Over and over the deadlines loom
It's been a century since the cherished bluebird sings
That it is cherished indeed, forever forgotten behind the cube

Cabinets filled with no food
And monotony the eternal theme
A steady living is seen as good
But what is the price of a unique soul

Metal boxes carry the slaves to their jo
Toiling under paper, under pressure, under pay
An everyday something to make one so
From nine to forever the business world turns

billy talent - red flag

2007-04-15T11:24:00.000-04:00

Yusuf Islam - Heaven/Where True love goes

2007-04-15T11:12:00.001-04:00

2007-03-27T11:29:00.000-04:00

Fissure

2007-03-23T15:37:00.000-04:00

Breaking, breaking
Brain splitting madness
The silent cancer grows
By and By
The lies, the lies!
How they haunt me
like the wind haunts the seas

It grows, it grows!
Can't you see?
Like the rains of April It feeds the rabid dogs of tension
Drowning in my insanity
I finally realize -
The essence of guilt had poisoned my soul

2007-03-21T01:17:00.000-04:00

2007-03-02T23:15:00.000-05:00

I took the " handwriting personality " quiz on gURL.com
		my handwriting style is... sophisticated scribbler You have the handwriting of a person who's fierce and ambitious, but in the nicest possible way. You are known as a smarty pants by those around you and probably have the ability to stay chill when everyone else is freaking out. Read more... What does your handwriting say about you?

2007-01-10T02:13:00.001-05:00

KITTY SURPRISE!!! ^^

Funny Videos

Meaningless Instigation of the End

2007-01-06T14:18:00.000-05:00

Encased in a box
Of Grief and Glory
Fires of a time asunder
Cashing in the soul
For a mortal wake
Songs of the scarlet battle
Echo in the streets
And the voices of children

Cowardice
Resistance to fight
Entangling the spirit
In matters it shall never know
Fighting for a cause
That's always changing

No reason for Death
No reason for Murder
No meaning to kill the heart
No matter to soil the soul

And the blood of Mankind spill unto a cold concrete Earth

check out this cool link

2007-01-02T17:33:00.001-05:00

http://www.muslim-a-day.com/

^^

The Death and Failure of the Human Heart

2006-12-19T19:28:00.000-05:00

Hovering over streets of grey
Facing the darkness that may lay
The heart of the human race
Always in Silence
Emotions flail
Until they are burnt into the abyss

And then they are nothing and in vain

2006-12-18T19:32:00.000-05:00

They don't really care about us

yes. i know it's micheal jackson but so what?

2006-12-18T18:26:00.000-05:00

Report Card

wow. that kinda sounds like my parents... this makes me wanna cry because it reminds me of my family.

2006-12-18T17:47:00.000-05:00

Blind Date - Olde English Sketch Comedy

omg wow. i love this. XD

2006-11-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

Corpse Bride - Tears to Shed - Emily's song

i really do feel like this right now...

2006-11-26T20:03:00.000-05:00

Chronicles of Harley-I'm a Cucumber

OMG XD

this brings back memories of my sixth grade extendded math class with mr.demetri XD . good times, good times.... it's so strange i found a video with someone with the same love of the cucumber song!

2006-11-18T18:35:00.000-05:00

The Ultimate- Episode 1

My highschool's monthly tv show XD. i love these kids , they're so hilarious XD

rose avi

2006-11-12T15:54:00.000-05:00

2006-11-11T22:36:00.001-05:00

Dragostea Din Tei (english)

2006-11-11T22:36:00.000-05:00

Dragostea Din Tei (english)

2006-11-11T22:34:00.000-05:00

Ozone - Dragostea din tei

2006-11-02T19:06:00.000-05:00

ROGER WATERS NISSAN PAVILION

w00t

2006-11-02T19:01:00.001-05:00

Roger Waters:

more concert footage

2006-11-02T19:01:00.000-05:00

Roger Waters:

more concert footage

2006-11-02T19:00:00.000-05:00

Roger Waters in Concert

concert footage i found on youtube

2006-11-02T18:56:00.000-05:00

Speak To Me / Breathe: Roger Waters DSOTM at Nissan

pink floyd concert

2006-11-02T18:53:00.000-05:00

Speak To Me / Breathe: Roger Waters DSOTM at Nissan

pink floyd concert

Quiz Galaxy - Funny Quizzes and Blog Memes. The #1 Site for Hilarious Quizzes

2006-10-07T16:18:00.000-04:00

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Life seen from eyes none other than my own

graffiti!

template test

YARRRGG

Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear

lulz @ Thomas Paine

Cherry Blossoms and Reckless Abandon

Spring Break Homework...

Happy Pi Day!

New Graffiti :D

Win

College Apps

The last 4 days....

25 Years of Tetris: From Russia With Fun!

User User

Yellow Barn + Fine Lines' Release Party!

Dramatic Make up grafiti

more graffiti

graffiti!

Song of Solomon - Toni Morrison

Progression Into Insanity

My Day

finals

not well

Decision '08 Presidential Results

Movie! MYP project

sometimes.... (emo rant, please, for the love of all that is holy, ignore this post)

objective essay about the legality of the iraq war

Today was a nice day

So like, totally going to bangladesh this summer + short story

So i'm 7 years old again

YAY

>.<

More Carl Sagan!

Ten Quick Questions with Ann Druyan

Carl Sagan's Cosmos, and other randomness

Google and yet another death

Another one of my Psychotic/psychedelic experiences....

Today's WTF Award goes to....

Hiding in lockers and scaring the **** out of people!!

My Very Complex relationship with the sailor moon series...

2004 elections

book a day (or 2 days)

Ramblings of an insane mind... oh dear

"thought of the day" (random = very yes)

Barack Obama Super Tuesday Speech

Barack Obama and his voice?

childhood question ep. 1

Yes, Virginia

Night of the living republicans

The Picking of Imperfections

dreams/awake

I'll show you (how deep the rabbit hole goes)(alternative version with slightly different meaning)

I'll Show You(how deep the rabbit hole goes)

How the Apple Fell (far) ------------ (a bit of prose by shegufta razzaque)

follow up to "life sucks as usual"

so life sucks as usual

awwwwww (i want this shirt)

My Secret

Lest We Sleep, Nocturnal Asylum

Pain the Fuel

the ultimate absinance film o.o (for girls at least)

One last song (for those who like indie rock XD lolz)

Hardcore Studying!!!!!!!!(true story!)

The Rabbit

Gone

If life had no meaning

Money is the Goal

archives

SAD :'(

Corporate Inevitability

billy talent - red flag

Yusuf Islam - Heaven/Where True love goes

Fissure

Meaningless Instigation of the End

check out this cool link

The Death and Failure of the Human Heart

rose avi

Quiz Galaxy - Funny Quizzes and Blog Memes. The #1 Site for Hilarious Quizzes