Ramblings of an insane mind... oh dear
eh, I'll start off with something lighthearted
Q#1 to parents- If you had to censor something from your children, would it be the evening news or video games like grand/theft auto?
Q#2 (follow up)- Which do you think desensitizes people to the consequences of violence more, a dramatizes, realistic yet obviously fictional depiction of violence or a nonchalant depiction of grotesque, real, actually occurring violence?
on to the fact I'm going insane.
so yesterday, i was having a similar experience to the one i had when i had the living nightmare (i think i was hallucinating, you know, the one with the creepy skeletal snake lady and the shadowy figures and the fact i felt detatched from my body but still in it and it was like i wasn't myself?)
anyway, so yesterday i was sitting on the living room couch, reading "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, and i was fidgeting, as always, but it was weird, because it didn't feel deliberate. nothing i do with my body feels deliberate. it's as if me and myself are 2 entirely different entities ith 2 very different mindset. on the one hand i have the part of me that has coherent thoughts, and the other part that speaks through fidgeting-and just a subconscious self-masochism. like, my feet will be hitting each other whenever my mind is rather idle or being stimulated (reading a book for fun), my body starts to to assert it's existence by causing some sort of sensation, including pain. this might explain my other problem, which i will not talk about cuz you don't need to know because the only people who can help me are denying that it's a problem.... >.< (basically i'm not ready to talk about it publicly yet) ...
anyway...
it's like, the 2 part of me are having conflict with itself and when one is getting more attention the other calls itself to attention. it's like, my mental and physical connections are weak, so that i make a fist, and i think of it, and my fist is being clenched, but it feels like a loose result of my intension, and not a part of me...
it's hard to explain.
the harmony/connection between my "soul" and body has been off, and things that aren't supposed to happen are happening, and my nightmares(which happen when i'm awake, again, i think i'm hallucinating) are taking over my life, and my dreams fell more real than "real" life (exceot in my dreams i don't seem to have a sense of smell... that or i just don't breathe in my dreams...)
it's like, 2 different essences somehow loosely connected and forced within the same "time space area" and forced to commit to an "existance". One is made of matter and will always be in a state of self awareness and a part yet not a part of this universe, and is given some power through my connection with it, but it wouldn't make a difference to it if i was dead or alive.
and then there's this other part that feels like it's eternal and dependent on this thing to keep itself here. and like, my dreams are stretching my soul from my body, and each time i wake up they're a little farther apart and each time i'm on the border of real and dreams my nightmares push me awake, as if there's something to be feared from dreams that may keep them from torturing me, which is apparently their current source of amusement. And even as I'm typing now, i am at the whim of my hand, and i'm slowly drifting away from my whithering control of this sorry state of being.
I am afraid of living, and am afraid of the living induced by the state of dying...
*I am who i am, but i am not what i am.*
p.s. my study table at home is begining to look like ms. fishman's old room...
oh he randomess all over it. random drawings and quotes and God knows what else.
*smashes head against desk*
Q#1 to parents- If you had to censor something from your children, would it be the evening news or video games like grand/theft auto?
Q#2 (follow up)- Which do you think desensitizes people to the consequences of violence more, a dramatizes, realistic yet obviously fictional depiction of violence or a nonchalant depiction of grotesque, real, actually occurring violence?
on to the fact I'm going insane.
so yesterday, i was having a similar experience to the one i had when i had the living nightmare (i think i was hallucinating, you know, the one with the creepy skeletal snake lady and the shadowy figures and the fact i felt detatched from my body but still in it and it was like i wasn't myself?)
anyway, so yesterday i was sitting on the living room couch, reading "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, and i was fidgeting, as always, but it was weird, because it didn't feel deliberate. nothing i do with my body feels deliberate. it's as if me and myself are 2 entirely different entities ith 2 very different mindset. on the one hand i have the part of me that has coherent thoughts, and the other part that speaks through fidgeting-and just a subconscious self-masochism. like, my feet will be hitting each other whenever my mind is rather idle or being stimulated (reading a book for fun), my body starts to to assert it's existence by causing some sort of sensation, including pain. this might explain my other problem, which i will not talk about cuz you don't need to know because the only people who can help me are denying that it's a problem.... >.< (basically i'm not ready to talk about it publicly yet) ...
anyway...
it's like, the 2 part of me are having conflict with itself and when one is getting more attention the other calls itself to attention. it's like, my mental and physical connections are weak, so that i make a fist, and i think of it, and my fist is being clenched, but it feels like a loose result of my intension, and not a part of me...
it's hard to explain.
the harmony/connection between my "soul" and body has been off, and things that aren't supposed to happen are happening, and my nightmares(which happen when i'm awake, again, i think i'm hallucinating) are taking over my life, and my dreams fell more real than "real" life (exceot in my dreams i don't seem to have a sense of smell... that or i just don't breathe in my dreams...)
it's like, 2 different essences somehow loosely connected and forced within the same "time space area" and forced to commit to an "existance". One is made of matter and will always be in a state of self awareness and a part yet not a part of this universe, and is given some power through my connection with it, but it wouldn't make a difference to it if i was dead or alive.
and then there's this other part that feels like it's eternal and dependent on this thing to keep itself here. and like, my dreams are stretching my soul from my body, and each time i wake up they're a little farther apart and each time i'm on the border of real and dreams my nightmares push me awake, as if there's something to be feared from dreams that may keep them from torturing me, which is apparently their current source of amusement. And even as I'm typing now, i am at the whim of my hand, and i'm slowly drifting away from my whithering control of this sorry state of being.
I am afraid of living, and am afraid of the living induced by the state of dying...
*I am who i am, but i am not what i am.*
p.s. my study table at home is begining to look like ms. fishman's old room...
oh he randomess all over it. random drawings and quotes and God knows what else.
*smashes head against desk*
posted by SiR at 4:51 PM
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