dreams/awake

i haven't posted in a while, and you've missed out on a lot. i pity thee :)

So it was thanksgiving weekend this past weekend and i got a lot of sleep(that i needed and caught up on)
and i woke up when i pleased, somewhere around 9 am - 1 pm
it was wonderful. and you can't possibly beleive how wonderful it was. it's not just catching up with sleep for me. it's not just laziness. it really is something else.

so this morning, i woke up. and as usual, i had one of my wacky dreams, like i do everyday. and when i woke up, all i could remember was that the dream ended at the perfect time, at it's conclusion, and then my dad came and woke me up. and the feeling i had while dreaming was so peaceful, because even though i didn't remember the dream, i remembered that it was unreal, and that it was peaceful, and exciting, and i just felt beautiful and that everything was perfect like a fairytale, and i felt like the hero, so unlike the night before, when i was picking at my skin till i bled at every little bump on my face and arms. and when i woke up, i returned to that feeling, of ugliness, of uselessness, of being a machine, getting up to go to school when i didn't want to. i couldn't take it anymore. and it's pretty obvious I'm not going to learn anything. i just wanted to go back to that feeling of living. i felt so dead and cold when i woke up. is it normal, to feel more alive when you're asleep , and completely dead when you're awake

my dreams are always weird and psychedelic. the places i go in my dreams are so much more real than this one. so much more real than reality.

i can't fudging explain it. i just want to sleep all the time. when i dream, i... i...i.....
i don't know.


if i were to go any further i would be destroying the lovely secrecy and joy and the thing that is mine,
and the joys of secrecy are lovely, when it's holding in something good. <3

and it's not like anyone reads this anyway. haha.