so life sucks as usual

my parents are fighting, again. my dad is off with his cousins during their anniversary(he didn't forget, it's just that his cousins,/my aunts and uncles, are visiting from bangladesh and are leaving tomorrow). and it their 20th anniversary, so.... um.... very difficult to pick sides here.

and I'm dragged in as usual.

and i have to travel so many hours this weekend(takes so many hours to drive to new york to visit my mom, then to pennsylvania and back to new york and then back home...). almost no time to study for the 3 quizes i have on monday or finish that lab report due Wednesday or even work on the summary of chapter one of don quijote(plus the comprehension questions and grammar questions, which are a lot) plus my specialty program project, which is seriously going to be heck doing. i need a break. like, i wanna justchill and have conversations with my *smart* friends about quantum physics and string theory and faeries and the worlds of sci-fi fantasy and abstract thought and art and actually LEARN things, as opposed to going to school.

homework has estroyed school for me. i love learning DESPITE school, not because of it. i don' mind school so much as i just think homework is stupid. and this is coming from someone who used to want to live in school (because home just sucked and at least in school i could escape to the library into the mythical lands to escape myself). homework has ruined school for me.

i propose a motion to ban homework. seriously. i am losing sleep. school is a hazard to my health. seriously, they make you choose between your health and getting into yale (not that i'll ever be able to afford it...). life sucks.

and on top of that... i just feel so fricken alone. i am separated from everyone (by distance or by mind). i have no close friends. my best friend and i rarely talk anymore. i don't have time to hang out with anyone. everyone feels so distant and i feel so isolated and alone, like, no one cares anymore. that just because i'm older and actually understand what the hell is going on and why means it doesn't hurt me emotionally. which isn't true. i want to feel loved. i mean, i grew up an only child. on top of that i was isolated (alienated at school by my peers, and never allowed to go outside as decreed by my parents), and on top of that at home when my parents were around (not too bust cleaning, cooking, watching tv, reading, etc..) they are always fighting. sometimes i think that because of them, i never knew what love is. i am incapable of love, yet long for it. i want to be social... i really do... i'm incredibly talkative, i just don't know when to stop because i'm so clingy. and sometime i feel like even though i want to get along with everyone, i feel that i just don't like people, because of how my negative emotions connected to people greatly outnumber the positive.

and all at the same time, my parents trained me to be plastic. i hide my emotions, i can't express myself(outside of my anonymous blog), everyone thinks i'm a happy cheerful person, who livesin a bubble and loves life. none of them know about my childhood, how i felt, what bothered me, why life suck, why i like the things i do, why i am the way i am...

i don't want to die, because i want to change the world..., i want to make it better, i want to help people, and end the suffeing of hnudreds, if not millions...

but sometimes i think, would it be better if i had just not been conceived?
i don't want any more pain. sometime, i really am happy, and people think i'm being dramatic, but that's not true. in comparison to how i usually feel, being exhausted at school but surrounded by things i love (art, books, science, my only escapes), is better than being at home, surrounded by hate and ritualistic homework, with only myself as a formidable opponent, i long for something more than what i have.

i just want to have the emotionl ability to actually car about people again. to regain the empathy i used to be able to use.

i just don't want to feel alone anymore. i don't want to feel like no one cares.
wanna know a secret? from the ages of 7 through 10, i was near suicidal. but i got over it (with the help of religion, and btw, be tolerant, just because i believe something different than you doesn't make me a worse person). i have since been suffering from on and off anger and depression issues since i was 11, and have been trying to deal with it. but i can't. my parents aren't paying attention. my dad has his own problems and my mom is in denial that i'm not the prefect preppy little girly-girl that she wanted me to be. instead i'm a tomboy, and i have problems, which she ignores. i have no one to talk to. i can't talk to my friends, because i'm not that close to anyone. i can't talk to my parents (yes i have tried) , because they are rather like "if you can't do anything about it then chill out" or "if you don't stop crying for no 'good' reason I'm going to punish you" or "it's not my fault so why are you complaining to me" , i can't talk to any of my teachers at school because they'd call my parents, i just plain don't like my guidance counselor, and in almost every way i feel alone. why doesn't anyone care? why don't people give hugs? why is everyone turning into machines? is acknowledging someone exists and talking to them really that annoying?

isolation sucks. surrounded by people and always alone. i don't know how to feel. i am not numb. i just have never learned how to interpret anything besides pain, because that's all i see around me.

if i ever needed help from the people of earth, now would be a good time. sometmes i fel so worthless and wonder what the hell am i doning with my life. for almost all my life to this day, everything is about grades and "doing well" in the ritualized version of school, and if i'm not the best, i feel like nothing, because that's the only way to honorably get noticed, to be the best. but i'm not perfect, and i can only keep something up for so long and even then the attention i get is so very temporary. cuz after a while people just get used to it. how the hell do i get people to pay attention... runaway? cut off a limb? smash my head against a wall till i bleed? *sigh* although i'm too much of a sissy to to any of those.

*thought of the day* - give a stranger a hug(with their consent), to let them know they're not alone. you just might save their life.