sometimes.... (emo rant, please, for the love of all that is holy, ignore this post)
sometimes i realize how much my parents are messed up, and how it's rubbed off on me
i've come to the realization that i'll never be happy unless i can get away from my parents. they are so emotionally dependent on my, that i can't stand it, and i'm sick of acting like their emotional cushion for all their worries and problems.
like, it's impossible for me to be happy with myself when they're around, because their presence reminds me of eberything that's wrong with me and everything that i'm afraid of becoming.
in other news, i think i've forgotten how to love. not that corny falling in love crap, but i mean like, love. i don't think i love my parents anymore. i respect, appreciate, and care for them, but i don't think i love them. i mean, i throw the word love around a lot as a colloquial thing, but seldom does it express that ultimate state of being of unconditional love.
i partially blame my parents for this i guess. i mean, i am so afraid of that emotion. becuase "love" drove my parents to be married, and look how horribly that turned out.
my soul is growing colder, my heart is growing farther. after so many years of searching, i've recently found myself. however, i am so afraid that i've let myself begin drift away again, and i'll have to start that whole journey to self thing again.
darn
it was annoying enough the last time.
i'm so friggin lost right now i want to retreat back into my little world, but this whole "life" thing keeps getting in the way. i've probably said this before, but i feel so alive in my dreams, as opposed to real life, where i feel dead on the inside.
i just want to live in my dreams. so badly. where even if things don't really make sense, they make sense to me. and everything is so much better. the nightmarish creatures that rest at the border between the world of dreams and this world are attempting to separate me, my body, and my mind from myself.
when i'm not around my parents, life just seems so much different, you know? maybe not.
*sigh*
it's hard to explain. i mean, i care about my parents and all, but i really want to get away from them before i lose myself completely. hopefully i can hang on until college.
i've come to the realization that i'll never be happy unless i can get away from my parents. they are so emotionally dependent on my, that i can't stand it, and i'm sick of acting like their emotional cushion for all their worries and problems.
like, it's impossible for me to be happy with myself when they're around, because their presence reminds me of eberything that's wrong with me and everything that i'm afraid of becoming.
in other news, i think i've forgotten how to love. not that corny falling in love crap, but i mean like, love. i don't think i love my parents anymore. i respect, appreciate, and care for them, but i don't think i love them. i mean, i throw the word love around a lot as a colloquial thing, but seldom does it express that ultimate state of being of unconditional love.
i partially blame my parents for this i guess. i mean, i am so afraid of that emotion. becuase "love" drove my parents to be married, and look how horribly that turned out.
my soul is growing colder, my heart is growing farther. after so many years of searching, i've recently found myself. however, i am so afraid that i've let myself begin drift away again, and i'll have to start that whole journey to self thing again.
darn
it was annoying enough the last time.
i'm so friggin lost right now i want to retreat back into my little world, but this whole "life" thing keeps getting in the way. i've probably said this before, but i feel so alive in my dreams, as opposed to real life, where i feel dead on the inside.
i just want to live in my dreams. so badly. where even if things don't really make sense, they make sense to me. and everything is so much better. the nightmarish creatures that rest at the border between the world of dreams and this world are attempting to separate me, my body, and my mind from myself.
when i'm not around my parents, life just seems so much different, you know? maybe not.
*sigh*
it's hard to explain. i mean, i care about my parents and all, but i really want to get away from them before i lose myself completely. hopefully i can hang on until college.
posted by SiR at 4:16 PM
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